To my babies on learning life

 

To my Babies,

Its been a long time since I last wrote to you. I have tried several times to pick up a pen and write you a letter but each time I am met with the knowledge that what I say today may hold no weight a year from now. So I kept waiting, waiting until I felt certain I had the answers, the knowledge, the secrets to life I could pass down to you and stand behind for generations to come. I was waiting for a feeling of certainty to once again wash over me as it had when I was younger and saw the world in black and white.

But that feeling never came, and its now been four years since my last letter to you. Whats strange is that, although the confidence I have in my knowledge of life itself is lower than its ever been, the confidence I carry in  who I am is at an all time high. I feel more connected to myself, what makes me tick, my foundation of morals and overall sense of peace in my own skin than I ever have before.

So my children, I cannot tell you about life, what boxes to check, what rules to adhere to, what choices to make in order to be happy and successful. But I want to tell you something I have found to be far more valuable… the secret to finding yourself.

Let go:

The first thing I learned on my journey to myself is to let go of anything and everything you thought you knew, or needed, to be happy. Over the course of your life you will develop your own list of items, opinions, perceptions, relationships that you will genuinely believe you must have in order to be happy. You will stay awake at night tearing yourself apart if something in one of these areas is struggling and may truly believe that you are inadequate or incapable of being simply Ok, without finding peace in this area…. My baby, let it go. That thing does not define you, it should not control you, and it is absolutely not the one true ticket to happiness. if it is causing you pain, tearing you down, and leading you to believe you are inadequate, it does not serve you. Let it go.

This letting go will be painful, and scary, and strip you of everything you thought was important. But once its gone, you will see the most beautiful thing, you will see you, your core, what’s important, and you will shocked at just how peaceful that core will feel.  

 

Stay true to yourself:

My child in life, there will be several times that you will be faced with a situation in which you will want to speak up, defend yourself, share your side of a already traumatic story in the hopes of maintaining your image or altering others perceptions of you in order to save face. Don’t do this baby. The opinions of others is fleeting and participating in the hurt will do nothing more than prolong the pain. Five years from now you wont even remember the names of the audience keeping you up at night now, so simply do what you believe is right, Make decisions based only on your own thoughts and opinions, do only what your heart tells you to do. keep your forward motion, and stay focused on who you are and what you need to be at peace with who you are. Those who love you already know the truth, and for everyone else… the truth will be revealed with time. Hold your head high, knowing who you are and what your truth is and allow that to be enough to rest peacefully at night and stand behind yourself even when no one else is around.

 

Be free:

This, my baby, is a big one. If I had only one wish for you it would be that you become so incredibly free from all societal expectations or constraints. I want you to dance in the rain, run through open fields, never stop chasing those sunsets, and always laugh the loudest in a quiet room. But more than that, I want you to be free of your own constraints…. I want you to know that you can change directions, at any moment you can decide that the life you spent years building is no longer the life you want, and if that happens I want you to simply turn around and start again down a new journey, thanking the past for the joy it gave you, and looking forward to new chapter of unknown. Its ok to evolve, its ok to start over, its not ok to stay committed to a decision that no longer brings you happiness simply because at one point you said that you would. This can be anything from careers, relationships, living demographics, to personality, interests and opinions. When we force ourself to stay committed to a thing we no longer believe in we dim our light and commit to a life of unhappiness. So please, Just be you, unapologetically and whole heartedly. You are beautiful my love, in all forms, please don’t ever stop following your light.

 

Know that I am always behind you:

Above all else my friend, please never forget that I am always here. I am here cheering you on when you succeed, but I am also here to hold you when you fail. If one day you want to go to the Olympics and the next day you want to be a peanut salesman I will respond to each aspiration with the same enthusiasm as a mom whose child was the first to land on the moon. My baby, there will be days when you feel as though you are walking on clouds, when everything is going right and the sun is shining down on you, and on those days I will smile and watch quietly as you glow in your element so happy for your success. There will also be days where your heart is heavy, where you feel as though everything and everyone is against you, and it will take all your strength to pick yourself up and get out of bed in the morning, ill be there for those too, to offer you comfort, love, acceptance, and remind you, that no matter what, you are still my first pick for any team. My dream for you my love is that you see yourself, accept yourself, and love yourself the way I do for you. Regardless of if you have it all figured out, even if the you today is completely different then the you that existed yesterday, weather the world is with you or against you, I pray that you go to bed each night proud of yourself, strong in your convictions, and content in the truth of who you are and what you have done.

So my babies, if I can teach you nothing else in this life, I pray that you will learn just that.

I love you babies, more than you will ever know. Stay kind, stay free.

Xoxox-momma

A letter to myself.

 Dear me as I enter the storm,

This letter is long overdue and probably too soon. Its been waiting to come out for two years now, but the message, the words, the recipient, just couldn't get out. I want to write a letter of love, a message of hope for your tired heart as you fight the biggest battle of your life. I want to reach out my hand to the girl who is desperate to be rescued from her storm, as the heartbreaking, yet liberating truth is,  the only one who can save her, is herself. I want to tell you to hang in there, I promise you’re going to make it, and it is going to be better than you ever imagined. I know this storm came in like a hurricane and turned your world upside down, but the life waiting on the other side, the person you are going to be when you emerge… trust me girl, its something you are not going to want to miss. 

I want to give you the words you need to hear that will allow you to finally breathe and Know without a doubt, that it will be ok. But we both know God himself has sent you daily signs with that exact message and the fear in your heart is still shouting “what if?”. So, instead of focusing on the future, I want to help you breathe in the now, because oh my darling it is beautiful. 

Don't get me wrong, I know you are so, so broken. I see that relationship you have built with the bathroom floor, the tears that just don't seem to end. The never ending fear always flowing beneath the surface as your mind acts like a computer, constantly calculating numbers in the background, bills, food, babysitters…. That ache in your heart every time you get home late once again to those babies whose world was turned upside down…. “Are they going to forgive me?” “Am I being selfish?” “What if I fail?”.... Your mind is running a million miles a minute, and if you aren't careful, those blessings God keeps sending you will slip right past completely undetected. But promise me you won't let that happen, because the blessings in the brokenness have a beauty that is completely their own, and lay the foundation for the core elements for the person you will become. 

There is a quote that says “not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path”. I cannot tell you how relevant this beautiful quote truly is. We as humans tend to hang on to things, long after they've proven more damaging than good. We will look right at the rope digging into our skin from the weight, and keep holding on, convincing ourselves to make it just a few more steps. We're so scared of what will happen if we let go. Who we will be without it? We will carry it though our skin is bruised and our back is aching because it is what we know. Because we have made it this far, and know that we can do it, what we don't know, is what lies ahead, what we may need to carry if we set this down, what if, what's to come, is heavier than this? So even when the storm comes, you hold on. You cling to anything you can grab, and pray to God he will let you keep it…… Baby, don't be afraid to let go. God knows what he plans to replace it with. Trust him.

 “God will never leave you empty, He will replace everything you lost, if he asks you to put something down, it is because he wants you to pick up something greater”.

Hear this message  whispered in your heart as you packed your entire life into the back of a pickup truck. Let its peace flood your body and for just a moment be stronger than the fear. Take a moment to say goodbye, then walk towards God's promise like it has already been given to you…. For just a moment, be proud of your strength, firm in your faith, and at peace with what is done. Above all, remind yourself, this is just a chapter in your book, you still have a whole story waiting to be written. 

Taking the leap to follow your promise is terrifying, but nothing compared to the waiting that will follow that leap. This is the part that will test your very core. It will dig into every element of who you are, you will feel so beaten, so defeated, and desperate for literally anyone to reach out their hand and pull you up...and they would, if they could... there are so many people in your life that would do anything to pull you out of this hole you are in. But they can't, they can only give those much needed moments of rest you will need as you come to the realization that the only one who can truly save you, is you.  This part hurts girl, there is no getting around it, but the strength you will develop as you pull yourself through will become the backbone that will protect you for the rest of your life. You will finally learn what they've been saying all along, 

“Don't sacrifice yourself to love others”

Finally you will see that you matter too. That it's ok to say no sometimes, that disagreements don't always have to mean you are wrong, because your opinion counts too, and if you don't stand behind yourself, you can't expect anyone else to. So climb your way out of this storm finding more confidence in your own strength with every step. You are far more powerful than you believe. And not to be a broken record, but so long as you don't stop, you WILL make it out. I can promise you that. 

As you are letting things go and finding your voice, there is one thing you need to remain aware of, the people who stand by you. The ones who spent every hour on the phone with you when you couldn't be alone. The ones who showed up no questions asked when you needed a sitter, or help moving the couch. The ones who looked into your eyes as you told them the truths of  your heart and wanted nothing but happiness for your future. These are the people you need to take with you into your future. This is the family that will surround and lift  you, not just for the milestones but in every moment, be it good or bad. This family is irreplaceable, and could only be formed through the ruins of this storm. So as crazy as it sounds, find gratitude. 

“It is in the storm that the trees roots are made deeper” 

These people, this family, will bring so many blessings this year. They will give you moments you couldn't have otherwise had, that will give you a moment to breathe, and with it, the energy to keep going. The spirit of Christmas will be different this year, but their love will be the underlying peace you feel as you sit in front of your tree late at night, and for just a moment, allow yourself to, be. Don't forget that feeling, that complete and utter collapse into the faith and love that surrounds you. As all you have left is your belief in what's to come. 

Baby girl, this year is gonna make you fight like you never have before, you will cry more than you ever care to admit, you are going to give up more than once, spending the day on your closet floor begging for just one more sign to reassure you that he's still watching. And honestly honey, you're gonna feel like you're losing your mind. I'm pretty sure that's normal, these life changes don't come easy, and I promise, no one is holding it against you. Remember that family you've created, that's all you have left now, and every single one of them are rooting for you. They will love you on your hard days and cheer for you on your good. You don't have to carry this pain into your future, when you're past it, it too needs to be something you let go. And i am begging you,

“Do not question in the dark, what he promised in the light” 

Now for the hard part, that overwhelming guilt you feel every moment of the day. That voice that keeps telling you to do better for your kids. That nagging fear that you’ll fall short, and give them a childhood they’ll look back on with grief….. This I am afraid, is a fear all parents carry whether they are braving the storm or not. Our deepest desires are simply to give our children a world that will lift them in every way, to fill their hearts with happiness and to know unquestionably how loved they are. This desire is linked with our deepest fear, which is rooted in the fact that while we all want this for our children, no one knows the proper way to get there. So we are left to our own devices, navigating the most important task of our life, armed with nothing more than love and a wish. There are a million theories on how to create a happy childhood, all of them conflicting the other…. I wish I could tell you with 100% certainty “this is how you make your babies grow up to be happy”, but unfortunately I don't think that is something we can ever know for sure. What I do know is they shine brighter when you're happy too. That your laughter fills their rooms and spreads smiles across their faces in a way that lights up their eyes. That the lightness in your heart as you take them on adventures is felt by theirs and a closeness is felt through that peace that you completely forgot existed.  Because, 

“Taking care of yourself, is part of taking care of your kids”

So sweet girl, I know, this part is scary, I know you feel like every door is closing on you and not even so much as a window has opened. I know your mind is spinning and your heart is pounding, and I know, it feels like you have taken every blow imaginable, you should definitely be done by now. But I promise you, he hasn't forgotten you. He is there with you, he will bring you peace when he knows you need a break. He will open the  right door once he has finished preparing you for it. Because what he will give you will be better than you ever imagined, so you have to be ready. You have to believe, you have to pick yourself up off that floor and choose to lean into that storm for just a little bit longer. To embrace the change within you as you find your voice and begin to choose what you will carry, selecting only the things that bring you light. And above all, believe with all your heart what you already know. 

So lean in baby, embrace this storm. You're going to be ok. Its going to hurt, a lot. But trust me, once you reach that other side, you will find the most beautiful story. Trust me, 

Gods got you

To my mom.

Mom,

They say to truly understand someone you have to walk a mile in their shoes, well this year I got to walk in yours, 
and it has been damn near impossible. I don't know how you did it. 

Mom, thank you for everything you did, just to get us to adulthood. 

    Thank you for spending 5 hours cleaning the dentist's office every single Saturday for years, just so we could have braces. 

    Thank you for working tirelessly all day long and still turning around and taking us to every single soccer practice, 
choir concert, dance recital, friend's house, birthday party, anything, we had. 

Thank you for sleeping in a bed behind the couch in the front room so we could all have our own rooms. 

    Thank you for always knowing our favorite candy, and leaving them on our bed for us to find. For me it was never
 about getting candy, but that you knew my favorite. You knew Megan liked cheeze-its and i liked cheese-nips. 

To this day “knowing my favorite” is on my checklist of how I want to be loved, and I know exactly where that idea came from. 

    Thank you for teaching me to be kind, to everything. Thank you for rescuing baby birds every single year, 
for showing me how to feed them with the medicine dropper, every hour around the clock until they are old
 enough to fly. For letting the baby possum stay with us until it could survive on its own. For rescuing every
 sickly animal that others turned away, teaching me to see the hurt over the germs, to extend empathy before 
judgment. For apologizing to your flowers when you forgot to water them… for teaching me that everyone, 
and everything, matters, and we give love to it all. 

    Mom I remember those seasons, when every appliance in the house would break at the same time, and 
the bills just Would. Not. Stop. Coming. I remember finding you crying on the laundry room floor, and laughing
 through the tears, when I reminded you that the toaster still works.

I remember you saving every single dime so you could take us school clothes shopping every year...
Mom thank you for the field trips, presents for birthday parties, Halloween costumes, yearbooks,
 everything… you always found a way.

Thank you for Christmas, seriously, I don't know how you did that, there was 5 of us, and you still found 
a way to give each and every one of us Christmas. Not only Christmas presents… but you made it magic, 
you gave us Santas footprints and reindeer hooves, you left out magic snow, and messy carrots…
 you kissed our noses with candy canes despite the insurmountable financial stress sitting in colorful boxes
 in front of the tree. 

Thank you for not only getting up every single day and fighting the impossible odds, but for giving us a 
childhood in the process. 

Thank you for accepting me exactly as I am. For loving me when I'm being stubborn, for letting me 
grow when learning, for helping me when I'm stuck. For teaching me to follow my heart no matter 
where it leads me. For telling me to follow the love. 

For not even blinking when I told you I love her. For rainbow eyelashes and mardi gras beads at 
pride fest, because I’m your daughter no matter what, and let's face it, you have a thing for 
Melissa Etheridge ;) 

Mom, thank you for everything, thank you for stepping into my storm. For hearing all of my 
thoughts, thank you for making me feel sane when I’m sure i have lost my mind. For
 validating my hurt, then telling me how much better it is all going to be.

For flying in just to take Malia to the pumpkin patch when I couldn't take off work because you 

get how important it is.  

 For keeping me going.

For the tough love when I need it, 

And for stepping in when you know I cannot carry it anymore. 

Mom, thank you for Christmas, I cannot even think about this sentence without tearing up. 
Thank you for enabling me to give to my babies what you gave to me.

Mom thank you. 

Thank you for everything. I couldn't be making it through my “year of the toaster” without you. 

Thank you, mom.

    I love you. 

        Thank you for being my mom.

to my babies as they move mountains

My sweet babies,

Right now you come to me for any problem you encounter. Knowing all that it will take is one quick trip to mom and any issue you’ve encountered will be solved. Ill kiss your scraped knee, glue the pieces, wipe up the spills, right the wrongs… and as much as I wish I could tell you life will always be that simple, the hard truth is, its not.

There will come a day my babies, that you will find yourself standing in front of a mountain, and the only person who can move it, will be you. You may have friends to lean on, and family to catch you when you fall, but the mountain itself will be yours alone. And merely looking at it will be daunting to say the least.

When this happens my baby, I need you to promise me something.

Promise me you will be brave, no matter how treacherous the climb. These mountains, I am sorry to say, will feel impossible at times, you will stand there looking at what’s in front of you and every voice in your head will tell you there is no possible way that just one human could possibly survive the things you must face…. Your mind will spin with 1000 reasons you will assuredly fail, and every bone in your body will want to turn and run. Don’t do that my angel, if your heart is telling you that mountain must be moved then you stay, you stay and you fight like you’ve never fought before. You fight even when your knuckles are bruised and bleeding, you fight when your muscles are weak and ache for rest, you fight no matter how badly you want to give up because settling for less than you deserve will hurt so, so much deeper, than any damage this fight could ever cause to you.

My darling children, the thing I hold highest in my parenting of you is ensuring I raise you to be people who believe in yourself, who know that your voice matters, and who won’t back down from what you believe in. But I know, that no matter how strong your mind is, there will be times that it betrays you, it will tell you that you are not good enough, that this fight you are fighting isn’t worth it. That your efforts are too little, even when you’re giving it your all. It’ll tell you the thing you are fighting for was never meant for you. It’ll list all the reasons you would never been good enough for that thing you are fighting for. It’ll be so convincing you will start to believe it… I am begging you my babies, don’t listen to that voice. That voice, filled with doubt, doesn’t know what you are capable of.

I know it feels like your life is dependent upon your ability to build this house of cards in the middle of a hurricane. I know the walls just won’t stop caving in around you. I know, that by all logical reasoning, that mountain cannot be moved. I know that you are giving every last bit of yourself, and still feel as though you are still falling short in every way. I know how alone you feel; I know how scared you are, I know it feels like you have nothing left to give and everything left to do. And I know, that everything in your soul wants to crawl into bed and forget the whole thing. Its ok to feel that baby, its ok to break, its ok to scream, its ok curl up on the bathroom floor and cry until your eyes run out of tears…its ok to lose your mind right now, in fact, I think you are supposed to. So call your friends and say you quit, call your mom and beg to be little again, talk to Jesus until you’re weak in the knees. But when you are done, you HAVE to pick yourself back up, and listen to that little voice coming from your heart that whispers “let’s try just one more time”. My angel, Never. Stop. Trying. Again.

You were not made to be defeated by this life. You are capable of anything you set your mind to, and there is nothing in this world that would leave you exempt from the same right to happiness that I know you desire for the rest of this world. I know that mountain seems impossible. But I also know that your heart is unstoppable.

So pick yourself back up my love, try, just one more time, and don’t stop until you’ve made it to the other side. You’ve got this my love. That tiny voice inside your heart is so much stronger than it seems. Listen to it. Let it guide you. Fight for it, against all logic, and never, ever, give up.

You can do this baby.

Find your strength, embrace the storm.

Don’t let it take you down, don’t let the hurt change who you are, don’t throw those stones in the way of others as you clear your path. Instead take those stones you are moving and turn them into seeds that will grow into something beautiful.

Go into the storm with love, hold onto your light with everything you have. Remain kind, remain loving, but don’t you dare back down.

Someday you will look back at this time and see how beautiful your broken was. You will see strength where you now see weakness. You will see courage, where you now see giving up. You will see how hard you are trying. How much you are giving, to everything you are doing. You’ll see yourself in the way that everyone who loves you already does.

So set your eyes on your goal, and believe with everything you have that it is yours for the taking.

Trust in yourself my child.

Believe in yourself

Never stop fighting for yourself.

That mountain will move, You will reach the other side.

You will be Ok my love.

I promise.

I love you my babies,

I am on your side, I am with you every step of the way, to catch you, to hear you, to push you back out there to make you keep going.

Chase your dreams my love.

You’ve got this

Xoxo -Momma

Mrs. Tweten

Mrs. Tweten,

This is going to be one of the hardest letters I have ever had to write, and honestly, I don't even know where to begin. It is impossible to put into words how much you meant to me, and every single student that had the privilege of being a student in your class, but, the world needs to know just how amazing you are so I will try my best. Please forgive all my grammatical mistakes, regardless of how many times you've told me I cannot start a sentence in the middle of a thought, I still do though I hear your voice yelling at me to fix it.
Your name was well known throughout the walls of Harbor ridge middle school, and every year I would eagerly read my class list in hopes that it was finally going to be my time to get to be part of your class. I got that honor in 8th grade and you did so much more than live up to your legacy.
You have this overwhelming presence about you, that commanded the room while simultaneously giving such a powerful feeling of peace. In your class there was no popular table, no problems at home, no one was greater or less than their peers. In your eyes, every single student was capable of reaching their highest dream, and you would settle for nothing less than our full potential on any and everything we did.
In your classroom, we were so much more than young students to whom you were assigned to teach science. We were young humans, the next generation of adults, whose unique personality was there for you to encourage and grow rather than to simply shape into some cookie cutter idea of who we were meant to be. Your outlandish personality was both entirely inappropriate for the classroom while being exactly what each and every one of us needed as developing humans. The lessons you taught me, are played word for word inside my head and I utilize that advice on a daily basis. A prime example being every parent's favorite piece of your advice that "it is better to seek forgiveness later, than permission now." You saw who we were and trusted us to make the right choice without running those decisions by anyone, long before we truly understood how important that trust was.
You had a motherly aura to you, that made me feel so safe inside your classroom. I wanted to do well because it felt so genuine when you responded with pride, and though I knew you were going to yell at me when I failed, I never doubted the underlying love and desire you had for me to do my best. It was never about the assignment to you, but how we could show ourselves through it.

I could recite word for word every joke, story and piece of advice you ever gave us. There was no shortage of laughter spilling into the hallways as your larger than life personality went off on rants completely unrelated from the work at hand. Just seeing you in the hallways would lift everyone's spirits, we were all your babies, weather we were personal students or not. You were going to parent, teach and guide us. When I was in grade school I heard a story about your quick thinking saving a classroom full of students during an earthquake. I genuinely don't know if this story is real, or a fabricated extension of how safe you made your class feel during that incredibly scary day. The story says that when the earthquake started you were grabbing students out of the halls and pulling them into your classroom to get them to safety, however once inside you knew your class was no longer safe and instructed all of the students outside to the field moments before the ceiling collapsed around the desks they were hiding under even though the rules said they were to say inside. Again I don't know, I wasn't there, but I do know that if I had been at HRMS that day, your class is the one I would have wanted to be in, being in your presence is were I would have felt the safest regardless of how damaged your room was after the fact. You were the momma bear, and with you around, every student was sure to be protected.

My time in your 8th-grade class was just the beginning, your love for every one of your students didn't end at middle school. You followed our journeys into adulthood, literally praying for each of us as we made our own way in this world. There were times our choices were met with your frustration because you saw potential in us we had not yet seen within ourselves. But oh my goodness, when you praised you praised with your whole heart.
I remember coming to your class at 19, telling you I had just joined the Navy. I was so scared, but you were so proud. I was nervous I wouldn't succeed, but you were already planning for our future email exchanges and telling me how you were going to share each adventure I took with your future students. You saw the life I was going to live and knew before I knew, that it was exactly what I needed. The hugs you gave me the day I left for boot camp held emotions I can still feel while writing this letter, and sitting here grieving your loss all I can think is how I would give anything for one more all-consuming hug from you.

Mrs. Tweten,
Thank you,
Thank you for believing in me.
Thank you for seeing the awkward, shy, quirky little girl that I was, and loving me as if I was already the woman you knew I would become.
Thank you for responding to my accomplishments with as much enthusiasm as you would your own child.
Thank you for loving me as I was, while pushing me to do better.

Thank you for being so, so much more than just my 8th-grade teacher.

Its hard to believe that the next time I go home I won't be stopping by your classroom.
and I am devastated that I didn't make it to your funeral, I am sure the room was packed with hundreds of students just like me, who lost one of the most influential people in their life. The entire community has suffered an insurmountable loss from your passing.

Please know that the world is such a better place because you were in it.
You will never be forgotten. Your voice will live on in my head forever, and your lessons are already well known by my children.

Thank you will never be enough, but I know you already know what I mean, even more so, than I do.