dont compare someones 5 minutes to your whole life

Before I had kids I had this vision of how it was going to be. I was going to be the Mary poppins of moms. Always level headed, always there with the right answer, always fun and full of energy. Our days would be full and the laughter would be contagious. They are only little for so long and I fully intended to make the most of it.

Then I had kids, and I watched as month by month the visions that I had crumbled, I would look in the mirror and see the farthest thing from what I had envisioned and I was confident I had failed in every way. I would see other moms at the park with the energy I just couldn't muster and I would know that not only had I failed, I failed while others thrived, proving to myself that the motherhood I desired was obtainable, just not for me.

I did everything right, I followed all the rules, took all the advice, I breastfed past a year, I monitored temperatures hourly during colds, I refused to have the TV on while my child was awake, and would only have cartoons on if it was. I kept my phone put away and we would go to the park, beach or zoo almost every day. Yet I truly believed I was failing, because I would compare my whole life, to someone else's five minutes. I would see a mom at the park playing tag with her kids while I stood there pushing my kids on the swings praying they don't ask me to remind them how to pump, and I would feel like a failure. I saw the kid having a meltdown while his mom sat down calmly next to him talking him through his emotions, and I would remember the day before when deep breaths weren't enough to make my voice as gentle as hers as I frustratedly reminded my son that he needed to share the swing with his sister. My friends would talk about how their child didn't sleep through the night so they stayed up all night and watched movies instead and I would remember begging my daughter to just go to sleep because I couldn't take another night of no sleep… and I just knew, I had failed. Because my whole life, compared to their five minutes, was a disaster.

Then I began talking to my friends, you know the real kind of talks. Like when you ask someone how they are and they actually tell you. I talked to the moms whose parenting I truly admired and they were honest. I befriended the mom who chased her children in a game of tag and learned that they have been stuck up in the house for a week, she shared her guilt over the fact that she just cannot pick up one more race car and has instead busied her hands with housework to get out of playing more often than she believes should. I listed to my friend who stayed up all night watching movies and learned of other nights when her frustration was so intense she begged her little man to sleep instead of coddling him. I heard my mom friends confession of a time her child had a meltdown in public and she felt everyone's eyes on her as she shouted at him because she just couldn't take it anymore. I listened to all of these amazing moms tell me about their private moments and still thought they were great moms. Because they are. These women whose parenting I so admired would break down to me because they felt like the world's worst mother and I would tell them “you are human, frustration is going to happen. You don't wake up every day with the intention to do them harm. You put yourself last 24/7, you don't even eat until you become dizzy because you are so busy filling their needs. You are constantly striving to make their life better, You had a bad moment, but that does not make you a bad mom.”

Even while I offered this advice I never listened to myself. Until the other day, my kids woke up early so we grabbed their favorite push toys and did about 400 laps around our condos. Then we met up with some friends and went swimming for 3 hours only coming in because it was nap time. When they woke up after only sleeping for a hour I was spent, I had been up since 6, It was only 1:30 and we still had 5 and a half hours until bedtime, and I just couldn't do anymore. My house was a mess, my pantry was empty meaning nuggets were for dinner, my kids both had the energy of a squirrel on crack and I just wanted to lay on the couch and not move. I went through the motions, I sat on the step as they ran through the yard, I denied their requests to circle the condos, I denied their pleas to go to the park, and I ignored their constant tattling when the other stole their toy. I was certain I was the world's worst mom. Then I thought about the morning, how much we packed into the first 6 hours they were awake. I realized they had naps while I did the laundry and I gave myself grace, I told myself that it's ok that we aren't going to the park after swimming all morning. It's ok that I don't have energy for a game of tag or a water fight after being up all night with my youngest. Not every day is going to be Disneyland, But that doesn't make me a bad mom.

There are days where I am the waterfight mom, the arts and crafts mom, the mom actually laughing while she chases her children through the big toy. More often than not I am the mom that bends down while Noah has a melt down and helps him use his words to express his emotions and I calmly rock those sparkling eyes to sleep at 3am. But I also have my moments where I simply cannot stand I am so tired, and where I mentally cannot take one more fit. Where I just want her to sleep through the freaking night because there is absolutely no reason for her to be awake. And that doesn't make me a bad mom.

Not every day is going to be Disneyland. And I may not ever be Mary Poppins. But I wake up every day with the intentions to do my best. I pray every night for more patience than the day before, and there is no one on this earth that can love and protect my babies the way that I can. So I am going to stop comparing my whole life to someone else's five minutes. We all have bad moments, but we arent bad moms.

“I sincerely hope you never have to be tested on that.”

“If you can't say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” “Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself” “If you weren't there to witness it, you really don’t know”  these are things my mom would remind me when I was acting up as a kid, but when I was really rude, when I would say something totally judgemental and hurtful she would simply look at me and say “I sincerely hope you never have to be tested on that.” To which I of course scoffed, found her words super annoying and went on with my judgemental thoughts… until years later when I would be tested on the exact thing I had judged so harshly and would hear her words ringing in my ears as I went against everything I ever thought I would believe.

I think its time the rest of the world heard these words. We are getting pretty self righteous up here on our high horses. Super confident that our opinions are the only ones that are right and quick to shame anyone who has ever had any slightly different circumstances than our own. There are so many different verbal wars out there it's impossible to zero in on just one.  Everybody has an opinion about everybody and nobody is doing it right. In light of the most recent events I am going to use two very recent examples and repeat, I sincerely hope, you never have to be tested on that.

Not too long ago at a zoo a little boy was separated from his mother and climbed into the gorilla cage. What exactly occurred between the moments that little boy got separated from his mom, and the moments he was retrieved from the gorilla's cage is under a lot of debate. I wasn't there, I dont know what happened, but here is what I do know. There are two zoos close to me, One of them is very enclosed and had I only ever been to that zoo I would think, “wow, this would be extremely hard for a child to climb into, how could that have happened” and another that I visited shortly after hearing about the little boy and the Gorilla, This enclosure had a deep trench that I am assuming would make it impossible for a gorilla to cross, however the wall separating zoo goers from climbing into the enclosure was pretty short, in fact I could say with a lot of confidence I could easily jump that fence which makes me certain that if I had a young boy with me and I turned around for even a second, he could easily hop in there.

I want to ask all you sanctimommies a question, Have you ever turned your back for even a second? Ever needed to grab the sunblock out of the bottom of the stroller? Ever had to grab a snack for one of the other children with you and for some crazy reason they weren't all standing in a single file line making them super easy to keep track of? Has there ever been even a single moment of opportunity where a child who has been raised right, yet has a mind of his own could have simply wandered out of your sight? Unfortunately children do not come installed with tracking devices, or those cool floating diamonds over their heads like in the sims that makes them easy to find when they are in the other room. And I think if we were really honest, every one of us could tell a story about a time where for 15 terrifying seconds we didn't know where our children were... guess what, if you have a story like that, and your name isn't on the news, you are lucky. You are not superior to the ones whose worst fear was recognized, and your parenting may be closer to their than you believe… you just got lucky because your child was hiding behind the jungle gym and theirs was in a gorilla cage.

Aside from the fact that all children at some point have wandered people are calling into questions the zoos decisions to shoot the gorilla. The zoo issued a statement saying how because of his size sedation could have taken upwards of 15 minutes… DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT IS? Do you realize how many things could happen in 15 MINUTES? I’m pretty sure most zoos are not in the business of raising animals just to shoot them in the head at their first opportunity. I am sure that gorilla was greatly mourned by more than just the 3rd party facebook do-gooders who are apparently all trained in animal related crisis prevention.

All I can say to those of you criticizing the decision to put the gorilla down in order to ensure the safety of that little boy…"I sincerely hope you never have to be tested on that” Because I know without a doubt that If my child was in a cage with a 700lb gorilla I would personally shoot it to ensure the safety of my child. Yes the child should not have been in there, but you don't leave a kid in the middle of the street just because you told him not to play in it so he needs to learn his own lesson. It's a street, The odds are pretty good a car is going to come. Instead of criticizing that which we've never dealt with, grieve the loss of an otherwise perfectly peaceful animal and praise the lord that a sweet innocent little boy got to go home to his bed that night. You weren't there, you don't know exactly what happened, and as much as you want to judge, it could have easily been your child. I bet if it was, you would feel a little differently.

Most recently an innocent little boy was playing by the water at a Disneyland Resort, and the most terrible accident that could have occurred, happened. This child wasn't alone, he didn't slip off unnoticed, he was TAKEN from his parent, by a crocodile! Even as I type them, those words do not feel real. His father tried to fight the crocodile to free his innocent son. However, regardless of what all you superhero facebookers believe about yourself, you cannot break free a crocodile's jaw with your bare hands. A quick google search will show you they have a bite force of 3700 lbs per square inch. Anyone here stronger than that? I’m not. Yet again, Instead of the world mourning the loss of this perfect little boy, people are criticizing the parents. Again things like “they should have been watching him” “that wouldn't have happened to my child.” and here is what I have to say about that “I sincerely hope you never have to be tested on that” These parents did not take their child to crocodile lagoon and say “have fun kid, we're gonna go hit the bar”... they took their baby to DisneyLand. And you know who is even more upset about this tragic accident than you are my little news reading friends?? THE PARENTS.  The mom and dad who saw their tiny baby being carried away in the jaws of a crocodile and tried as they might could not stop it. The mom who fell to her knees screaming, knowing the fate of her child, and the dad who has to look at his hands for the rest of his life knowing they were powerless to save his child. What if, instead of criticizing them, we send them love, respect their privacy in this time, Pray for their comfort, and thank god that we are blessed enough to get to kiss our children as we tuck them into bed tonight.

Maybe the criticism comes from fear. Maybe we know how easily that child could have been our own and it scares the shit out of us. Or maybe we really are just that ignorant and self righteous. Either way, If you are one of those parents who look at these moms and dads in their weakest moments and say “you should have done better” then  “I sincerely hope you never have to be tested on that.”

What needs to be learned from the Stanford Rape

Recently our newsfeeds have been filled with a gut wrenching story of a woman who was brutally raped behind a dumpster by a young man with a well paid lawyer, and women everywhere have realized a very startling truth, that our bodies are next to worthless in the eyes of the justice system. The stories you see in your newsfeed vary from the media's reports on a horrific incident followed up with a picture of a well groomed boy and his swimming times. Yet gives little information about the women who was assaulted other than the brutal condition she was found in and the heart wrenching things that happened to her. There are many articles containing outrage over the fact that this young man only received 6 months in prison… less with good behavior. In fact the only thing I read that humanized this young woman at all was her own letter, reliving this horrific experience as she describes the unbearable pain she has endured and will continue to endure for the rest of her life because of that man's actions.

Her letter describes bruises on her body, missing clothing and the unimaginable moment she read online about her own rape. She describes how she asked her parents not to watch the news then crumpled into her mother's arms while telling her she had been assaulted, and the nation followed her as she fought, begged and pleaded the justice system to do what is right. Yet it didn't. It failed her and continues to fail thousands of others every single day. Her attacker only received 6 months in prison. 6 months for the raping, dehumanization, and mental trauma she will endure for the rest of her life, and his father is sitting on the sidelines complaining that he won't be able to have his favorite snacks in prison….

Here is what I’ve learned. I have learned that out of “1000 rapist, 994 walk free” (RAINN,2014) I learned that ⅔ rapes are never even reported. I learned that 1 in 5 women will report being raped in their lifetime. 1 in 5… and let's keep in mind that 2 out of 3 don't report it.

And rapist are the least likely to face jail time compared to any other criminal charge. I have seen the victims be interrogated with questions like “what were you wearing” and “how much did you drink” “were you sexually active before?”

These statistics scare the shit out of me, and they should scare you too. I look at my beautiful baby girl and I know that according to statistics the possibility of having to hold my baby girl as she sobs into my arms after someone else decided to use her body against her will for their own sick needs is more a matter of When than if. Even if I do not let her go to her friends for sleepovers, and even if she never goes to a college party, even if I talk to her every single day about stranger danger and meeting new people in public places, I cannot be there with her when she walks between college classes, I cannot join her on every single jog she takes around the neighborhood. There will be times she  will have to walk to her car by herself and there is nothing I can do about that. And I am terrified. I am terrified and I am all but powerless, because there is one thing I can do.

I can help be the voice of change. I can raise my son to know a woman's worth. I can raise him to show love and respect and understand that No means no. I will have those awkward talks with him at a young age so he grows up knowing what's right and what's wrong. I can teach him to walk his friends to their cars and to always speak up when he thinks he sees someone in a uncomfortable situation. I truly believe in gender equality but I am also not blind to the fact that a female walking with a male is less likely to be attacked than a female walking by herself or with another female. I can see the physical differences between a female and males stature and admit that no matter how many self defense classes I enroll my daughter in, I would still prefer she has a trustworthy male friend to escort her home when possible.

As for the justice system, I will no longer be silenced. I will no longer be the 2 out of 3 who remains voiceless because it makes no difference anyway. We as women have been fighting for hundreds of years to be allowed to work, vote and have our independence, I think it is time we fought for our bodies too. It is time to speak up about the violence inflicted upon you. It makes no difference “what you were wearing” and the amount of alcohol you consumed does not decrease the worth of your body at any given moment. An attack is an attack regardless of what kind of clothes were forcibly removed from the your body.

These questions are degrading, and put in place to protect the attacker not the victim. Somehow a woman in a bikini leaving the beach becomes a temptress to a poor innocent boy who simply couldn't control his actions…. Thats bullshit.

I may not be able to promise my daughter a life free of an assault.. And that kills me. Literally kills me just to think about. But I will use my voice every single day until the justice system understands  that it is 100% in no way, ever, the victims fault. We need less interrogation of the victim and more punishment for the attacker. We need rapists to know they will not get away with it and to not be given the opportunity to hurt someone again 6 months after they've proven themselves untrustworthy.

Contrary to what the father of the Sanford rapist wants you to believe, a rapist does not simply make a bad “20 minute choice” a rapist takes an entire life from their victim. He steals her relationships from her significant other, how she views her children, how she interacts with friends, instills gut wrenching fear for all social encounters in the future, and even if she is brave enough to speak up and is able to get herself the mental/emotional help she so needs, she will never get to be the woman she was before she was attacked. But god fobid her attacker “cannot have his favorite snacks” (https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/2852614-Letter-from-Brock-Turner-s-Father.html)

The following two links have multiple facts about rape and other criminal statistics.

https://rainn.org/statistics/criminal-justice-system

http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-violence_0.pdf

This is the link to a letter written by the stanford rape victim. A letter she should have never had to write.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/katiejmbaker/heres-the-powerful-letter-the-stanford-victim-read-to-her-ra?utm_term=.uoN4e76w#.dqPj5nJ2

This is the link to the stanford rapists father's letter.

http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2016/06/05/3784913/stanford-sexual-assault-dad-letter/