Dear me as I enter the storm,
This letter is long overdue and probably too soon. Its been waiting to come out for two years now, but the message, the words, the recipient, just couldn't get out. I want to write a letter of love, a message of hope for your tired heart as you fight the biggest battle of your life. I want to reach out my hand to the girl who is desperate to be rescued from her storm, as the heartbreaking, yet liberating truth is, the only one who can save her, is herself. I want to tell you to hang in there, I promise you’re going to make it, and it is going to be better than you ever imagined. I know this storm came in like a hurricane and turned your world upside down, but the life waiting on the other side, the person you are going to be when you emerge… trust me girl, its something you are not going to want to miss.
I want to give you the words you need to hear that will allow you to finally breathe and Know without a doubt, that it will be ok. But we both know God himself has sent you daily signs with that exact message and the fear in your heart is still shouting “what if?”. So, instead of focusing on the future, I want to help you breathe in the now, because oh my darling it is beautiful.
Don't get me wrong, I know you are so, so broken. I see that relationship you have built with the bathroom floor, the tears that just don't seem to end. The never ending fear always flowing beneath the surface as your mind acts like a computer, constantly calculating numbers in the background, bills, food, babysitters…. That ache in your heart every time you get home late once again to those babies whose world was turned upside down…. “Are they going to forgive me?” “Am I being selfish?” “What if I fail?”.... Your mind is running a million miles a minute, and if you aren't careful, those blessings God keeps sending you will slip right past completely undetected. But promise me you won't let that happen, because the blessings in the brokenness have a beauty that is completely their own, and lay the foundation for the core elements for the person you will become.
There is a quote that says “not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path”. I cannot tell you how relevant this beautiful quote truly is. We as humans tend to hang on to things, long after they've proven more damaging than good. We will look right at the rope digging into our skin from the weight, and keep holding on, convincing ourselves to make it just a few more steps. We're so scared of what will happen if we let go. Who we will be without it? We will carry it though our skin is bruised and our back is aching because it is what we know. Because we have made it this far, and know that we can do it, what we don't know, is what lies ahead, what we may need to carry if we set this down, what if, what's to come, is heavier than this? So even when the storm comes, you hold on. You cling to anything you can grab, and pray to God he will let you keep it…… Baby, don't be afraid to let go. God knows what he plans to replace it with. Trust him.
“God will never leave you empty, He will replace everything you lost, if he asks you to put something down, it is because he wants you to pick up something greater”.
Hear this message whispered in your heart as you packed your entire life into the back of a pickup truck. Let its peace flood your body and for just a moment be stronger than the fear. Take a moment to say goodbye, then walk towards God's promise like it has already been given to you…. For just a moment, be proud of your strength, firm in your faith, and at peace with what is done. Above all, remind yourself, this is just a chapter in your book, you still have a whole story waiting to be written.
Taking the leap to follow your promise is terrifying, but nothing compared to the waiting that will follow that leap. This is the part that will test your very core. It will dig into every element of who you are, you will feel so beaten, so defeated, and desperate for literally anyone to reach out their hand and pull you up...and they would, if they could... there are so many people in your life that would do anything to pull you out of this hole you are in. But they can't, they can only give those much needed moments of rest you will need as you come to the realization that the only one who can truly save you, is you. This part hurts girl, there is no getting around it, but the strength you will develop as you pull yourself through will become the backbone that will protect you for the rest of your life. You will finally learn what they've been saying all along,
“Don't sacrifice yourself to love others”
Finally you will see that you matter too. That it's ok to say no sometimes, that disagreements don't always have to mean you are wrong, because your opinion counts too, and if you don't stand behind yourself, you can't expect anyone else to. So climb your way out of this storm finding more confidence in your own strength with every step. You are far more powerful than you believe. And not to be a broken record, but so long as you don't stop, you WILL make it out. I can promise you that.
As you are letting things go and finding your voice, there is one thing you need to remain aware of, the people who stand by you. The ones who spent every hour on the phone with you when you couldn't be alone. The ones who showed up no questions asked when you needed a sitter, or help moving the couch. The ones who looked into your eyes as you told them the truths of your heart and wanted nothing but happiness for your future. These are the people you need to take with you into your future. This is the family that will surround and lift you, not just for the milestones but in every moment, be it good or bad. This family is irreplaceable, and could only be formed through the ruins of this storm. So as crazy as it sounds, find gratitude.
“It is in the storm that the trees roots are made deeper”
These people, this family, will bring so many blessings this year. They will give you moments you couldn't have otherwise had, that will give you a moment to breathe, and with it, the energy to keep going. The spirit of Christmas will be different this year, but their love will be the underlying peace you feel as you sit in front of your tree late at night, and for just a moment, allow yourself to, be. Don't forget that feeling, that complete and utter collapse into the faith and love that surrounds you. As all you have left is your belief in what's to come.
Baby girl, this year is gonna make you fight like you never have before, you will cry more than you ever care to admit, you are going to give up more than once, spending the day on your closet floor begging for just one more sign to reassure you that he's still watching. And honestly honey, you're gonna feel like you're losing your mind. I'm pretty sure that's normal, these life changes don't come easy, and I promise, no one is holding it against you. Remember that family you've created, that's all you have left now, and every single one of them are rooting for you. They will love you on your hard days and cheer for you on your good. You don't have to carry this pain into your future, when you're past it, it too needs to be something you let go. And i am begging you,
“Do not question in the dark, what he promised in the light”
Now for the hard part, that overwhelming guilt you feel every moment of the day. That voice that keeps telling you to do better for your kids. That nagging fear that you’ll fall short, and give them a childhood they’ll look back on with grief….. This I am afraid, is a fear all parents carry whether they are braving the storm or not. Our deepest desires are simply to give our children a world that will lift them in every way, to fill their hearts with happiness and to know unquestionably how loved they are. This desire is linked with our deepest fear, which is rooted in the fact that while we all want this for our children, no one knows the proper way to get there. So we are left to our own devices, navigating the most important task of our life, armed with nothing more than love and a wish. There are a million theories on how to create a happy childhood, all of them conflicting the other…. I wish I could tell you with 100% certainty “this is how you make your babies grow up to be happy”, but unfortunately I don't think that is something we can ever know for sure. What I do know is they shine brighter when you're happy too. That your laughter fills their rooms and spreads smiles across their faces in a way that lights up their eyes. That the lightness in your heart as you take them on adventures is felt by theirs and a closeness is felt through that peace that you completely forgot existed. Because,
“Taking care of yourself, is part of taking care of your kids”
So sweet girl, I know, this part is scary, I know you feel like every door is closing on you and not even so much as a window has opened. I know your mind is spinning and your heart is pounding, and I know, it feels like you have taken every blow imaginable, you should definitely be done by now. But I promise you, he hasn't forgotten you. He is there with you, he will bring you peace when he knows you need a break. He will open the right door once he has finished preparing you for it. Because what he will give you will be better than you ever imagined, so you have to be ready. You have to believe, you have to pick yourself up off that floor and choose to lean into that storm for just a little bit longer. To embrace the change within you as you find your voice and begin to choose what you will carry, selecting only the things that bring you light. And above all, believe with all your heart what you already know.
So lean in baby, embrace this storm. You're going to be ok. Its going to hurt, a lot. But trust me, once you reach that other side, you will find the most beautiful story. Trust me,
Gods got you
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