To my little man

To my little man.
I have wanted to write this letter a million times over but have never found the right words. Then I realized there aren't any. A month from now I may look back at this letter and wonder what in the world I was thinking, how could I possibly believe that was what I needed to say? But I guess that's just the point isn't it?
You see my darling boy, you were my first baby. You are who made me a mom, and you didn't come with instructions. You are learning how to go through life and I'm right beside you frantically trying to figure out how to not screw that up for you.
We have had our good times And our bad, our smooth sailing and our rough patches. And we are continuing to learn and grow every day as we explore each new chapter together.
My angel boy, you've brought more joy into my life than I ever imagined possible. You have taught me more in your 3 short years than I will ever be able to teach you in my lifetime. Your passion for life is infectious and reliving my childhood with you has made each memory 100 times more magical. 
You are so strong, so smart and kind beyond words. And your patience and forgiveness toward me in my times of growth have been unfathomable.
You see my love, you are the first human I have ever been in charge of, and with the good has come the bad. Though I've tried to always be the kind loving mother you deserve I have had times of failure. I have pushed too hard when I should have been comforting. I have demanded too much when I should have been guiding and I have withdrawn when you needed me most. Yet through it all you forgave me. You woke up with each new day and tried again. Your love for me never failed and I knew I had to try harder, do better, be better, to be the mommy you deserve.
My sweet little man, you are growing up right before my eyes and I am now begging to get back the sleepless nights I once wished away. Those shoes I so desperately wanted you to know how to put on yourself a year ago, are now on your feat and ready to head out the door to school before I even have a chance to remind you to grab them.
Those tiny clothes have changed from Elmo to airplanes and I know soon they will bare nothing but a logo.
I am watching as your tiny hands slowly begin to fill mine and remember all the times I wished I could set you down due to an aching back while you now run freely across the grass only coming back for a quick snack before you are off again.
My angel boy I still remember the night I went into labor with your sister. You were 18 months old and our relationship as we knew it was about to change. I picked you up and gave you one last hug as my baby before heading to the hospital. It was so hard to let you go because I knew from that point on I needed you to be bigger. 
I needed you to sit by my side instead of my lap so I could nurse the baby. I needed you to be patient and wait instead of jumping right out when we parked so I could unbuckle the baby first. I needed so much more than I should have ever asked from you and you always tried your hardest to comply.
You have the heart of a lion and have always gone out of your way to ensure that you are taking care of those around you before meeting your own needs. You would give away your last snack before letting any other kid feel left out  and I am not an exclusion to this rule.
I have so many feelings about my worthiness of that kind of love. I am unbelievably sorry for my shortcomings. You deserve 1000x more than I will ever be capable of giving. I am amazed beyond believe that god trusted me with someone as incredible as you. I am determined to spend every minute of every day doing all that I can to improve myself in order to become even just 1/10th of what you deserve. I feel insane amounts of guilt for the times that I have failed. But overwhelming pride when I see you say or do something I know You learned from me. I am so madly, deeply, incredibly in love I am convinced there is no possible way to love anything more than I love you and your sister, yet everyday you two make me fall more in love. And I promise my sweet boy, from every pitfall I will learn and do better, from every success I will strive to repeat, I will pray each night for more patience. I will remember how fast these years fly by and cherish the chaos that's comes with them instead of wishing it away.
My little man, you are growing into the most beautiful human being and I couldn't be more blessed to get to bare whiteness to that. Thank you, thank you for choosing me to be your mommy. Thank you for changing my life and for having patience with me while I learn. Thank you for teaching me more about the world than I ever learned on my own. Thank you for loving my heart in spite of my actions. Thank you for the midnight snuggles. Thank you for hogging the bed. Thank you for the laughter, the jokes, the disregard for the negative mood and continued happiness through the storms. Thank you for being the most beautiful little man I have ever known. But most of all, Thank you for making me a mommy.