a letter to my younger self

To my younger self,

I wish this letter could travel through time to find you and tell you the things you need to hear.
I want you to know we're ok, we climbed that mountain and though it was treacherous it brought some of the most beautiful views...

I want you to know how temporary this seemingly unending pain is, and promise you that someday you will look back at this time and see beauty and strength where you now feel broken and weakness.

I want to tell you that you are doing the best you can. I know your best is currently messy, sporadic and incredibly flawed. But your intent is what matters and I know how hard you are trying. Give yourself grace sweet girl, this thing we call life is hard, your emotions, actions, reactions, and opinions are all normal parts of the human that you are. Its ok to not have a handle on it all yet. Youll get there. Give yourself time.
For now, Say sorry when you should, admit when you are wrong. And let it go when there is nothing left that you can do.

If I could only tell you one thing it would be that its ok to just be you.
 Is ok to be the quiet one, the loud one, the crazy one, or all of the above. right now being you may just be figuring out what version of yourself you even like, and thats ok. be all of them. individually or all at once, just be you.
Its ok to not know how you feel about something, emotions and events are tricky, you don't have to decide how you feel right away, give yourself time to process it, you'll feel better about your responses when they are true to you and not an imitation of your surroundings.
Its ok to not know, Seriously, ask questions, admit when you are wrong, strive to learn more than you teach, you cannot get better if you refuse to learn what you do not know.
You DO NOT have to have your future planned right now Its ok that you don't know at 17 how you are going to support yourself when you are 30....you are a kid. Society has this false idea that the second we turn 18 we should be fully ready to support ourselves or working toward the degree that will get us to that point. Society is wrong my love, all you need to do is find what sets your soul on fire and follow it until it no longer brings you joy. There is no "right" way to live. Right now at 28,  if you looked at a timeline of our life since leaving high school, you would think you were reading 3 completely different stories, yet each was just a chapter, a blimp in the overall story of us. each version of our life shaped us into who we are today, yet none of them were dependent on a career we did or didn't choose at 17. At the end of the day, it has never been how you make your money that matters, its who you spent your time with, the family you created, and ensuring that you left each person you visited a little better than you found them.
so rather than stressing over What you are going to be, focus simply on Who you are going to be... be kind to everyone you meet, live your truth even when it goes against the grain, take every opportunity you are given regardless of how much it scares you, never stop believing in the good that could be, and for the love of all that is holy, please stop flipping off the camera, you are going to want to show those pictures to your kids someday!

As for the future? Its so so worth it. I am not going to lie to you, there is no path that is free of all conflict, and life is going to throw you some curveballs. You are going to get knocked down from time to time, but every time you rise you rise higher. Your ability to love and be loved will deepen as you allow those around you to bring beauty to your pain, and you will learn to be the beauty in others when they hurt. You will realize that being happy doesn't mean never having a bad day, it means choosing the life that brings you the most meaning and embracing the ups and downs that your unique path brings to you.

We may never feel like we have it figured out, but I am beginning to think that may be ok. So my promise to you, and my future self is to continue to embrace that unknown, to allow myself time, to always strive for improvement but allow myself grace when I fall short, and to never stop believing in the positive hiding in the pain.

It gets better sweet girl, so, so much better. and you are going to want to be around to see it. So hold on, believe in the good, and trust your journey. Let's see where we end up.

Sincerely, you.

To my beautiful babies as they grow,

    My babies, i have felt it for a while now, i see it peaking out, glimpses of your transition into independent little souls. It started out as little things, here and there, but its rapidly increasing and slowly becoming the norm instead of a rarity.

    And while I cannot wait to meet the incredible humans i know you will become, I find myself walking into these beautiful moments and feeling desperate to be able to to just tuck it away in a place I could come back to on the days I miss the versions of you both as my  little buddies. The days where your hands are still too small to carry most things yourself, but fit around my fingers so perfectly. The days where bath times have bubble beards and anything can be made better with a balloon. These days that are slowly changing into princess castles, Nerf gun fights and scooters in the park…. And oh my word are these a blast. Your newfound interests and abilities have completely transformed the dynamics of our relationship, playing with you in your world, watching you create stories and act them out, always the fastest, bravest, strongest, you no longer need me to hold your hand and the higher the hill the faster you’ll roll. My sweet little toddlers that needed me to match them step by step as they began to navigate this world, are being replaced by these beautiful children barreling ahead of me to see what adventure is waiting. And while I am welcoming my new friends with open arms, I would like to write this letter in an attempt to freeze this moment. To keep this sweet spot between big and little.

    Noah, being a part of your life has been the most incredible experience. Your loving tender heart has been changing my life since the first time I heard it beat. You have done so much and touched so many lives in your four little years, I can only imagine what you have in store for the future.

 You are practical, always weighing the pros and cons. You like rules, and order, but you would prefer if you got to be in charge of them. You care about things, and are careful to keep them safe. Since you were a baby you've been able to remember every single toy and who gave it to you. Always saying thank you even years after you received it. You are grateful for what you have and take care of things that matter. You can keep track of the tiniest Lego for weeks on end, never losing it, even when you take it to bed with you.  You prefer to put your important things up high so they won't get ruined even when that means not playing with them.

When experiencing something new you get quiet, you don't display much emotion either way, you take it all in, every detail. I used to think this meant you were unhappy, I would tire myself out trying to entertain you, then I realized, you are happy, this is just you, you’re memorizing it, figuring it out, drawing out maps in your head because no doubt you will be able to navigate it on your own next time around. Later, you will describe in perfect detail every bump in the sidewalk, color of each building and instance that confused you that you want me to explain.

You’re extremely cautious, this is not to say that you don’t like risks, you just like to know you have control. You practice every day on your dirt bike, each time taking those corners a little faster than before. “Carefully fast” that's how you’ll ride. You “promise.”

You are my little super hero, always looking out for those in need. Your the kids that stops to help their friend that’s struggling regardless of the situation.

You’re sensible with just enough spunk to keep you fun. Your little wiggly side peaks out at all the right moments. But oh my goodness that  incredible little mind of yours, always learning, soaking up information like a sponge. There is nothing you don't want to know. Facts are like candy to you, you don't want a bogus baby version you want to hear what things do and how they work until you could build it yourself.

You are my buddy, you open my door, help with the laundry, carry all the heavy things. You look to me with that smile for confirmation when you want to know if someone is telling you the truth. We send our secret messages across the room and know the other one understands…..I can see the beautiful man you are becoming, and I know your life is going to be one I am going to want to see. But for now I want to watch you buckle that ninja turtle helmet as you take one more lap around the yard before dinner and let you have pizza for the 3rd night in a row because its all you want to eat and this phase won’t last forever.

Malia, you entered this world every bit as perfect, brave, and outspoken as you are today. You are the kind of girl who leaps first and looks second. You always want to be thrown higher or pushed faster. You aren’t worried about what's coming because you are so focused on what's going on in the moment. You feel with your whole heart and are both the greatest lover and fighter i’ve ever known.

You are stubborn. Oh my goodness your tiny little frame thinks its big. You will shake your itty bitty finger at me and complete my 3-2-1 countdown with a giggle and a grin. Even though we both have known since before you even responded that you were going to comply, you just enjoy the challenge…when you’ve had enough you’ll slowly banter toward what ever i asked you to do in some nonchalant way that tells me you’re doing it because you want to not because I told you, 

You are confident, you’ll walk right up to any princess at Disneyland and just know THEY are there to see YOU. however your confidence doesn't come from vanity, more so, an assurity that your love will be returned. You are there to share a moment with those princesses, because you know without a doubt, that they love you just as deeply as you love them.

And lord how you can love. There isn't a creature you can pass that doesn't make you ball your little hands together and say in a squeaky little voice “its soooooo cuuuuteeee!” you are constantly mothering anything around you, bringing the dog blankets, bringing our friends babies their pacifiers, wrapping your stuffed animals up and shushing them to sleep. When I am sad you bring me your special blanket, your “biti”, selflessly offering me the thing that always brings you comfort.

You are kind to everyone you meet. Always offering your toys and snacks to anyone who even glances in their direction and You are always the first to give up your place when someone is waiting in line. You are content to sit back and watch someone else enjoy something so long as you can cuddle up with me while you wait.

    And you are already so hungry for more. Every day you pick out one of your princess dresses (literally the only thing you have been willing to wear for the last 4 months) and you dream up a world where you do all the big things. You check every day to see if your hair is as long as Rapunzel's yet and have been keeping your eyes out for “wedding dresses” when we go to the store. You want earrings and hair bows and always make sure your dress matches the princess on the movie when its your night to pick.

    You and I have learned so much from each other these past two and a half years. Our roots were made strong through our rough beginning and the relationship that emerged in the end is unlike any i’ve ever seen. You are my muddy little princess, wild and free, you live in such a state of independence but at the end of the day you can’t sleep until we’ve cuddled up together playing with each others hair or talking about the events of the day.

    And the two of you together…..an unstoppable force. Noah you are always there to make sure your sister doesn’t stray too far. You are aware of the rules and want to make sure we follow them. Malia your persuasive sense of adventure always pulls your brother out of his shell just enough to keep him smiling. You two are always off in your own little worlds together fighting bad guys and saving the puppies. You stick together when it's dark outside and one of you wants to grab something but feels scared. You find safety in the comfort of each other and brave the night together. You get on each others nerves, and there are times I have to separate you two… but you are always asking for each other before long because at the end of the day you are two peas in a pod, best friends ready to take on the world.

I love you both so incredibly much….As I write this I see a stuffed bunny rabbit and a paw patrol helicopter by my feet, and I am all to are of the fact that those thing will soon be replaced with backpacks and homework, so just for tonight I will leave them be, I will linger a little longer as I check on you one last time before going to bed, and I will try my hardest to keep these moments just a little bit longer, before these days are gone and these little friends are replaced by the amazing people I am so eager meet.

To my little man

To my little man.
I have wanted to write this letter a million times over but have never found the right words. Then I realized there aren't any. A month from now I may look back at this letter and wonder what in the world I was thinking, how could I possibly believe that was what I needed to say? But I guess that's just the point isn't it?
You see my darling boy, you were my first baby. You are who made me a mom, and you didn't come with instructions. You are learning how to go through life and I'm right beside you frantically trying to figure out how to not screw that up for you.
We have had our good times And our bad, our smooth sailing and our rough patches. And we are continuing to learn and grow every day as we explore each new chapter together.
My angel boy, you've brought more joy into my life than I ever imagined possible. You have taught me more in your 3 short years than I will ever be able to teach you in my lifetime. Your passion for life is infectious and reliving my childhood with you has made each memory 100 times more magical. 
You are so strong, so smart and kind beyond words. And your patience and forgiveness toward me in my times of growth have been unfathomable.
You see my love, you are the first human I have ever been in charge of, and with the good has come the bad. Though I've tried to always be the kind loving mother you deserve I have had times of failure. I have pushed too hard when I should have been comforting. I have demanded too much when I should have been guiding and I have withdrawn when you needed me most. Yet through it all you forgave me. You woke up with each new day and tried again. Your love for me never failed and I knew I had to try harder, do better, be better, to be the mommy you deserve.
My sweet little man, you are growing up right before my eyes and I am now begging to get back the sleepless nights I once wished away. Those shoes I so desperately wanted you to know how to put on yourself a year ago, are now on your feat and ready to head out the door to school before I even have a chance to remind you to grab them.
Those tiny clothes have changed from Elmo to airplanes and I know soon they will bare nothing but a logo.
I am watching as your tiny hands slowly begin to fill mine and remember all the times I wished I could set you down due to an aching back while you now run freely across the grass only coming back for a quick snack before you are off again.
My angel boy I still remember the night I went into labor with your sister. You were 18 months old and our relationship as we knew it was about to change. I picked you up and gave you one last hug as my baby before heading to the hospital. It was so hard to let you go because I knew from that point on I needed you to be bigger. 
I needed you to sit by my side instead of my lap so I could nurse the baby. I needed you to be patient and wait instead of jumping right out when we parked so I could unbuckle the baby first. I needed so much more than I should have ever asked from you and you always tried your hardest to comply.
You have the heart of a lion and have always gone out of your way to ensure that you are taking care of those around you before meeting your own needs. You would give away your last snack before letting any other kid feel left out  and I am not an exclusion to this rule.
I have so many feelings about my worthiness of that kind of love. I am unbelievably sorry for my shortcomings. You deserve 1000x more than I will ever be capable of giving. I am amazed beyond believe that god trusted me with someone as incredible as you. I am determined to spend every minute of every day doing all that I can to improve myself in order to become even just 1/10th of what you deserve. I feel insane amounts of guilt for the times that I have failed. But overwhelming pride when I see you say or do something I know You learned from me. I am so madly, deeply, incredibly in love I am convinced there is no possible way to love anything more than I love you and your sister, yet everyday you two make me fall more in love. And I promise my sweet boy, from every pitfall I will learn and do better, from every success I will strive to repeat, I will pray each night for more patience. I will remember how fast these years fly by and cherish the chaos that's comes with them instead of wishing it away.
My little man, you are growing into the most beautiful human being and I couldn't be more blessed to get to bare whiteness to that. Thank you, thank you for choosing me to be your mommy. Thank you for changing my life and for having patience with me while I learn. Thank you for teaching me more about the world than I ever learned on my own. Thank you for loving my heart in spite of my actions. Thank you for the midnight snuggles. Thank you for hogging the bed. Thank you for the laughter, the jokes, the disregard for the negative mood and continued happiness through the storms. Thank you for being the most beautiful little man I have ever known. But most of all, Thank you for making me a mommy.

Learning my Worth

A little while ago I read a story about a man being kicked off an Alaska Airlines plane after catcalling a stewardess. Apparently while she was giving her safety presentation he said something along the lines of “sexy” in her direction. He was asked to be respectful and replied that he was “just joking around.” The stewardess talked with her coworkers and the man was removed from the plane shortly after.  Maybe its the fact that I am obsessed with psychology and society interactions, or maybe its simply being nosey, but I love going through the comments on stories like this to see how other people are reacting and feeling when something controversial happens. This story had a lot of positive and negative responses but the one that surprised me the most was my own.

I am ashamed to say that my first response was “well that's a bit of an overreaction.” Then I instantly reflected on my thought and why I would respond that way. I thought about all the times that I have been the subject of unwanted sexual advances even when they are just verbal. I thought about how uncomfortable I felt in my own skin when being hit on even in a “playful manner.” I thought about how carefully I pick my clothes in an attempt to walk that fine line between presentable but not sexual which with our society is a VERY, FINE, LINE. I remembered feeling fearful when walking alone after being catcalled wondering if it was innocent or if that man was going to follow and possibly harm me; and I realized I don’t protect my own worth.

As much as I believe I am a feminist who can do everything on my own and I do not need a man. I am unwilling to speak up for myself when it matters most.  Society has programed me to believe that it is ok for a man to objectify me and I should be “flattered” when they yell “sexy” in my direction while I walk down the street. I have been taught that my appearance is directly related to my overall worth and when my appearance is commented on I somehow become more valuable making my presence in that space more important. I have been taught that it would be rude to show how uncomfortable I am to the man commenting on my looks no matter how unwanted those comments are. He hasn't touched me inappropriately right? So what's the big deal? For that matter I have been taught that you put up with the guy at the office who always stares a little south of your face because calling him out on it would be disrespectful and you hug your creepy uncle because it would be rude not to. In fact the only time it is actually ok for a woman to stand up for herself is if a man physically forces himself onto an area of her body covered by her under garments. Everything else is fair play when it comes to my personal space.

I reflected on these societal standards and I thought about my daughter. I thought about her going to work and having to be polite while her body is clearly objectified. I considered how I would feel if that stewardess was my daughter and if they hadn't kicked that man off the plane. I pictured her serving him beverages politely after he so clearly disrespected her. I was livid when I realized that out of all the women on that plane, only one had the courage to actually call him out on his actions. (because we were all raised in the society I mentioned above) and instead of him apologizing for clearly offending her, he tried to turn it around and place the blame on her….

I learned a lot today about my feelings regarding sexual advances and how they should be handled. Alaska Airlines I want to personally thank you for not only protecting this woman's mental health, but for teaching me that I am worth speaking up for. That my body is not here for anyone else's pleasure and that speaking up for myself is not only respecting myself, but it is also the right thing to do. I truly hope that other companies follow in your footsteps so that by the time my daughter is old enough to notice the stares, she will also be brave enough to stop them.

The overwhelming pressure of motherhood.

Today I cried, I cried because the overwhelming pressure that is motherhood had been piling up for so long that at an unforeseen moment in the middle of an otherwise perfectly pleasant afternoon, I broke down.

I broke down because the Hundreds of articles telling me that literally no matter what type of parenting I practice I am wrong and my child will be forever damaged. I cried because the mom I have to be isn't the friend I want to be. I cried because no matter where I turn or who I talk to, I can always find some way that my parenting falls short compared to theirs, even if its just in one department. I cried because the pressure to do everything and be everything all at once is just too freaking much. But mostly I cried because I love my babies so intensely that not only is failure not an option, but falling short of anything other than over perfection is completely out of the question.

And I am no different from any other mom on the planet. When I got pregnant I read about 50 thousand articles on which types of parenting caused what types of children. I took as many classes in child development as my psychology major would allow, and I had multiple sit down conversations with my husband on what we would and would not do. I picked my path, just like every other mom. I chose the path that I believed would lead to the healthiest, happiest child and I intended to stick with it.

I wanted my relationship with my child to be based on trust and respect, I wanted them to always know that I was in their corner. I wanted to give them nothing but positive reinforcement and talk them through every single emotion they ever experienced. I didn't want to spoil them but I wanted them to have everything they ever needed and I wanted them to learn how to interact with the world by following my example instead of using discipline.

For a while it all went great, our bond was clearly formed. It was my baby and me ready to take on the world. My little man was my partner in crime and I knew I was the mom I had set out to be. But as he grew my theories were tested, I would explain to him why we don't grab toys from other kids and how it makes our friends feel good when we share, then watch as he stole a toy right out of his buddies hand. I would grab him seconds before he ran into the street after he ran away from me and talk to him about how dangerous it is and why, and he would wiggle out of my arms and dart right back into the road. I would fill his plate with veggies after taking all the advice about letting them play with it, and help prepare it, and watch as the threw his plate across the room and I felt defeated.

I realized that if I continued to only be his friend I would be doing him a major injustice. Sure in the short term he would be my happy little boy, playing in the street with his buddies monster truck while snacking on goldfish. But where would that get him in the long run? I had to be his mom. I had to learn to tell him no. Since I had tried everything from talking, to only reinforcing positive behaviors, to ignoring the problem completely, and nothing was working I had to break my first rule and put him in “quiet time” when he wouldn't stop running into the road. I had to watch his little heart break as I we left the park early because he refused to share with other kids, and I had to simply let him cry when I refused to give him goldfish for dinner. I became the meanest mom ever and I could feel it. The relationship we once had that was centered around my catering to his every need had shifted into teaching him how to the person I know his little heart longs to be. While our days are still centered around kid related activities, our interactions, more often than not are that of correction, shaping, and reinforcing than just playing and being the friends that every article I read told me to be, and it kills me.

While I know in my heart that my love for my babies is all encompassing, and that my actions stem from the deeply rooted need to do what I believe is best by them. The guilt that I hold over the fear that I am screwing this whole thing up every time I tell him no is overwhelming. The fear that my frustration when he doesn't listen is too evident and will make him feel unloved even just for a second. The concern over the fact that in reality, I have no idea what I am doing. And the constant mommy wars adding to the guilt, fear and concern because other moms chose different paths than each other.  Its enough to sink a ship.

If I were one of my friends talking to me I would tell myself how much I love my babies, and that they know it. I would tell myself that I wasn't born a mom I was born a human and every day that I do my best is more than enough. I would remind myself that kids don't come with instructions and that no one style of parenting is correct because kids do not come out of a text book.  I would tell myself to put the books down, stop reading the articles and to ignore any mommas to think their way is the only way of raising babies.

Unfortunately I am much better at giving advice than taking it, so I will just tell you, incase you need to hear it. We all have our guilt, we are all swaying from who we originally thought we would be as moms. We are all just trying to raise our babies the best way we know how, and just because you read a thousand articles when you were pregnant and decided that was the parent you were going to be, does not mean that the parent you became after you met the little person you were meant to raise isn't exactly who your baby needs.

I am going to give myself grace during this transition from friend to mom. I am going to remember that I love my children so much that I am willing to be the bad guy so that they may become happy adults. I am going to let myself be human and a mom. I am going to do my best to remind myself that just because “Ashleys” parenting is fantastic for her children, it may not be what's best for mine and I don't need to feel inadequate for not mimicking it.

I am going to try to be done with the articles, the forums, the guilt… I'm just going to be a mom doing the best I can to raise two happy little humans. So if you see me in the park with one kid on my hip and the other kid in quiet time up against a fence, please take your shaming eyes off of me. We place enough shame and guilt on ourselves as mothers, we don't need yours. My best looks different than your best and I think I can speak for all of us when I say we really need that to be ok.

dont compare someones 5 minutes to your whole life

Before I had kids I had this vision of how it was going to be. I was going to be the Mary poppins of moms. Always level headed, always there with the right answer, always fun and full of energy. Our days would be full and the laughter would be contagious. They are only little for so long and I fully intended to make the most of it.

Then I had kids, and I watched as month by month the visions that I had crumbled, I would look in the mirror and see the farthest thing from what I had envisioned and I was confident I had failed in every way. I would see other moms at the park with the energy I just couldn't muster and I would know that not only had I failed, I failed while others thrived, proving to myself that the motherhood I desired was obtainable, just not for me.

I did everything right, I followed all the rules, took all the advice, I breastfed past a year, I monitored temperatures hourly during colds, I refused to have the TV on while my child was awake, and would only have cartoons on if it was. I kept my phone put away and we would go to the park, beach or zoo almost every day. Yet I truly believed I was failing, because I would compare my whole life, to someone else's five minutes. I would see a mom at the park playing tag with her kids while I stood there pushing my kids on the swings praying they don't ask me to remind them how to pump, and I would feel like a failure. I saw the kid having a meltdown while his mom sat down calmly next to him talking him through his emotions, and I would remember the day before when deep breaths weren't enough to make my voice as gentle as hers as I frustratedly reminded my son that he needed to share the swing with his sister. My friends would talk about how their child didn't sleep through the night so they stayed up all night and watched movies instead and I would remember begging my daughter to just go to sleep because I couldn't take another night of no sleep… and I just knew, I had failed. Because my whole life, compared to their five minutes, was a disaster.

Then I began talking to my friends, you know the real kind of talks. Like when you ask someone how they are and they actually tell you. I talked to the moms whose parenting I truly admired and they were honest. I befriended the mom who chased her children in a game of tag and learned that they have been stuck up in the house for a week, she shared her guilt over the fact that she just cannot pick up one more race car and has instead busied her hands with housework to get out of playing more often than she believes should. I listed to my friend who stayed up all night watching movies and learned of other nights when her frustration was so intense she begged her little man to sleep instead of coddling him. I heard my mom friends confession of a time her child had a meltdown in public and she felt everyone's eyes on her as she shouted at him because she just couldn't take it anymore. I listened to all of these amazing moms tell me about their private moments and still thought they were great moms. Because they are. These women whose parenting I so admired would break down to me because they felt like the world's worst mother and I would tell them “you are human, frustration is going to happen. You don't wake up every day with the intention to do them harm. You put yourself last 24/7, you don't even eat until you become dizzy because you are so busy filling their needs. You are constantly striving to make their life better, You had a bad moment, but that does not make you a bad mom.”

Even while I offered this advice I never listened to myself. Until the other day, my kids woke up early so we grabbed their favorite push toys and did about 400 laps around our condos. Then we met up with some friends and went swimming for 3 hours only coming in because it was nap time. When they woke up after only sleeping for a hour I was spent, I had been up since 6, It was only 1:30 and we still had 5 and a half hours until bedtime, and I just couldn't do anymore. My house was a mess, my pantry was empty meaning nuggets were for dinner, my kids both had the energy of a squirrel on crack and I just wanted to lay on the couch and not move. I went through the motions, I sat on the step as they ran through the yard, I denied their requests to circle the condos, I denied their pleas to go to the park, and I ignored their constant tattling when the other stole their toy. I was certain I was the world's worst mom. Then I thought about the morning, how much we packed into the first 6 hours they were awake. I realized they had naps while I did the laundry and I gave myself grace, I told myself that it's ok that we aren't going to the park after swimming all morning. It's ok that I don't have energy for a game of tag or a water fight after being up all night with my youngest. Not every day is going to be Disneyland, But that doesn't make me a bad mom.

There are days where I am the waterfight mom, the arts and crafts mom, the mom actually laughing while she chases her children through the big toy. More often than not I am the mom that bends down while Noah has a melt down and helps him use his words to express his emotions and I calmly rock those sparkling eyes to sleep at 3am. But I also have my moments where I simply cannot stand I am so tired, and where I mentally cannot take one more fit. Where I just want her to sleep through the freaking night because there is absolutely no reason for her to be awake. And that doesn't make me a bad mom.

Not every day is going to be Disneyland. And I may not ever be Mary Poppins. But I wake up every day with the intentions to do my best. I pray every night for more patience than the day before, and there is no one on this earth that can love and protect my babies the way that I can. So I am going to stop comparing my whole life to someone else's five minutes. We all have bad moments, but we arent bad moms.

“I sincerely hope you never have to be tested on that.”

“If you can't say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” “Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself” “If you weren't there to witness it, you really don’t know”  these are things my mom would remind me when I was acting up as a kid, but when I was really rude, when I would say something totally judgemental and hurtful she would simply look at me and say “I sincerely hope you never have to be tested on that.” To which I of course scoffed, found her words super annoying and went on with my judgemental thoughts… until years later when I would be tested on the exact thing I had judged so harshly and would hear her words ringing in my ears as I went against everything I ever thought I would believe.

I think its time the rest of the world heard these words. We are getting pretty self righteous up here on our high horses. Super confident that our opinions are the only ones that are right and quick to shame anyone who has ever had any slightly different circumstances than our own. There are so many different verbal wars out there it's impossible to zero in on just one.  Everybody has an opinion about everybody and nobody is doing it right. In light of the most recent events I am going to use two very recent examples and repeat, I sincerely hope, you never have to be tested on that.

Not too long ago at a zoo a little boy was separated from his mother and climbed into the gorilla cage. What exactly occurred between the moments that little boy got separated from his mom, and the moments he was retrieved from the gorilla's cage is under a lot of debate. I wasn't there, I dont know what happened, but here is what I do know. There are two zoos close to me, One of them is very enclosed and had I only ever been to that zoo I would think, “wow, this would be extremely hard for a child to climb into, how could that have happened” and another that I visited shortly after hearing about the little boy and the Gorilla, This enclosure had a deep trench that I am assuming would make it impossible for a gorilla to cross, however the wall separating zoo goers from climbing into the enclosure was pretty short, in fact I could say with a lot of confidence I could easily jump that fence which makes me certain that if I had a young boy with me and I turned around for even a second, he could easily hop in there.

I want to ask all you sanctimommies a question, Have you ever turned your back for even a second? Ever needed to grab the sunblock out of the bottom of the stroller? Ever had to grab a snack for one of the other children with you and for some crazy reason they weren't all standing in a single file line making them super easy to keep track of? Has there ever been even a single moment of opportunity where a child who has been raised right, yet has a mind of his own could have simply wandered out of your sight? Unfortunately children do not come installed with tracking devices, or those cool floating diamonds over their heads like in the sims that makes them easy to find when they are in the other room. And I think if we were really honest, every one of us could tell a story about a time where for 15 terrifying seconds we didn't know where our children were... guess what, if you have a story like that, and your name isn't on the news, you are lucky. You are not superior to the ones whose worst fear was recognized, and your parenting may be closer to their than you believe… you just got lucky because your child was hiding behind the jungle gym and theirs was in a gorilla cage.

Aside from the fact that all children at some point have wandered people are calling into questions the zoos decisions to shoot the gorilla. The zoo issued a statement saying how because of his size sedation could have taken upwards of 15 minutes… DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT IS? Do you realize how many things could happen in 15 MINUTES? I’m pretty sure most zoos are not in the business of raising animals just to shoot them in the head at their first opportunity. I am sure that gorilla was greatly mourned by more than just the 3rd party facebook do-gooders who are apparently all trained in animal related crisis prevention.

All I can say to those of you criticizing the decision to put the gorilla down in order to ensure the safety of that little boy…"I sincerely hope you never have to be tested on that” Because I know without a doubt that If my child was in a cage with a 700lb gorilla I would personally shoot it to ensure the safety of my child. Yes the child should not have been in there, but you don't leave a kid in the middle of the street just because you told him not to play in it so he needs to learn his own lesson. It's a street, The odds are pretty good a car is going to come. Instead of criticizing that which we've never dealt with, grieve the loss of an otherwise perfectly peaceful animal and praise the lord that a sweet innocent little boy got to go home to his bed that night. You weren't there, you don't know exactly what happened, and as much as you want to judge, it could have easily been your child. I bet if it was, you would feel a little differently.

Most recently an innocent little boy was playing by the water at a Disneyland Resort, and the most terrible accident that could have occurred, happened. This child wasn't alone, he didn't slip off unnoticed, he was TAKEN from his parent, by a crocodile! Even as I type them, those words do not feel real. His father tried to fight the crocodile to free his innocent son. However, regardless of what all you superhero facebookers believe about yourself, you cannot break free a crocodile's jaw with your bare hands. A quick google search will show you they have a bite force of 3700 lbs per square inch. Anyone here stronger than that? I’m not. Yet again, Instead of the world mourning the loss of this perfect little boy, people are criticizing the parents. Again things like “they should have been watching him” “that wouldn't have happened to my child.” and here is what I have to say about that “I sincerely hope you never have to be tested on that” These parents did not take their child to crocodile lagoon and say “have fun kid, we're gonna go hit the bar”... they took their baby to DisneyLand. And you know who is even more upset about this tragic accident than you are my little news reading friends?? THE PARENTS.  The mom and dad who saw their tiny baby being carried away in the jaws of a crocodile and tried as they might could not stop it. The mom who fell to her knees screaming, knowing the fate of her child, and the dad who has to look at his hands for the rest of his life knowing they were powerless to save his child. What if, instead of criticizing them, we send them love, respect their privacy in this time, Pray for their comfort, and thank god that we are blessed enough to get to kiss our children as we tuck them into bed tonight.

Maybe the criticism comes from fear. Maybe we know how easily that child could have been our own and it scares the shit out of us. Or maybe we really are just that ignorant and self righteous. Either way, If you are one of those parents who look at these moms and dads in their weakest moments and say “you should have done better” then  “I sincerely hope you never have to be tested on that.”

What needs to be learned from the Stanford Rape

Recently our newsfeeds have been filled with a gut wrenching story of a woman who was brutally raped behind a dumpster by a young man with a well paid lawyer, and women everywhere have realized a very startling truth, that our bodies are next to worthless in the eyes of the justice system. The stories you see in your newsfeed vary from the media's reports on a horrific incident followed up with a picture of a well groomed boy and his swimming times. Yet gives little information about the women who was assaulted other than the brutal condition she was found in and the heart wrenching things that happened to her. There are many articles containing outrage over the fact that this young man only received 6 months in prison… less with good behavior. In fact the only thing I read that humanized this young woman at all was her own letter, reliving this horrific experience as she describes the unbearable pain she has endured and will continue to endure for the rest of her life because of that man's actions.

Her letter describes bruises on her body, missing clothing and the unimaginable moment she read online about her own rape. She describes how she asked her parents not to watch the news then crumpled into her mother's arms while telling her she had been assaulted, and the nation followed her as she fought, begged and pleaded the justice system to do what is right. Yet it didn't. It failed her and continues to fail thousands of others every single day. Her attacker only received 6 months in prison. 6 months for the raping, dehumanization, and mental trauma she will endure for the rest of her life, and his father is sitting on the sidelines complaining that he won't be able to have his favorite snacks in prison….

Here is what I’ve learned. I have learned that out of “1000 rapist, 994 walk free” (RAINN,2014) I learned that ⅔ rapes are never even reported. I learned that 1 in 5 women will report being raped in their lifetime. 1 in 5… and let's keep in mind that 2 out of 3 don't report it.

And rapist are the least likely to face jail time compared to any other criminal charge. I have seen the victims be interrogated with questions like “what were you wearing” and “how much did you drink” “were you sexually active before?”

These statistics scare the shit out of me, and they should scare you too. I look at my beautiful baby girl and I know that according to statistics the possibility of having to hold my baby girl as she sobs into my arms after someone else decided to use her body against her will for their own sick needs is more a matter of When than if. Even if I do not let her go to her friends for sleepovers, and even if she never goes to a college party, even if I talk to her every single day about stranger danger and meeting new people in public places, I cannot be there with her when she walks between college classes, I cannot join her on every single jog she takes around the neighborhood. There will be times she  will have to walk to her car by herself and there is nothing I can do about that. And I am terrified. I am terrified and I am all but powerless, because there is one thing I can do.

I can help be the voice of change. I can raise my son to know a woman's worth. I can raise him to show love and respect and understand that No means no. I will have those awkward talks with him at a young age so he grows up knowing what's right and what's wrong. I can teach him to walk his friends to their cars and to always speak up when he thinks he sees someone in a uncomfortable situation. I truly believe in gender equality but I am also not blind to the fact that a female walking with a male is less likely to be attacked than a female walking by herself or with another female. I can see the physical differences between a female and males stature and admit that no matter how many self defense classes I enroll my daughter in, I would still prefer she has a trustworthy male friend to escort her home when possible.

As for the justice system, I will no longer be silenced. I will no longer be the 2 out of 3 who remains voiceless because it makes no difference anyway. We as women have been fighting for hundreds of years to be allowed to work, vote and have our independence, I think it is time we fought for our bodies too. It is time to speak up about the violence inflicted upon you. It makes no difference “what you were wearing” and the amount of alcohol you consumed does not decrease the worth of your body at any given moment. An attack is an attack regardless of what kind of clothes were forcibly removed from the your body.

These questions are degrading, and put in place to protect the attacker not the victim. Somehow a woman in a bikini leaving the beach becomes a temptress to a poor innocent boy who simply couldn't control his actions…. Thats bullshit.

I may not be able to promise my daughter a life free of an assault.. And that kills me. Literally kills me just to think about. But I will use my voice every single day until the justice system understands  that it is 100% in no way, ever, the victims fault. We need less interrogation of the victim and more punishment for the attacker. We need rapists to know they will not get away with it and to not be given the opportunity to hurt someone again 6 months after they've proven themselves untrustworthy.

Contrary to what the father of the Sanford rapist wants you to believe, a rapist does not simply make a bad “20 minute choice” a rapist takes an entire life from their victim. He steals her relationships from her significant other, how she views her children, how she interacts with friends, instills gut wrenching fear for all social encounters in the future, and even if she is brave enough to speak up and is able to get herself the mental/emotional help she so needs, she will never get to be the woman she was before she was attacked. But god fobid her attacker “cannot have his favorite snacks” (https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/2852614-Letter-from-Brock-Turner-s-Father.html)

The following two links have multiple facts about rape and other criminal statistics.

https://rainn.org/statistics/criminal-justice-system

http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-violence_0.pdf

This is the link to a letter written by the stanford rape victim. A letter she should have never had to write.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/katiejmbaker/heres-the-powerful-letter-the-stanford-victim-read-to-her-ra?utm_term=.uoN4e76w#.dqPj5nJ2

This is the link to the stanford rapists father's letter.

http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2016/06/05/3784913/stanford-sexual-assault-dad-letter/

To my babies who make life magic.

These days it is so common to hear moms complain about how hard it is to raise little humans, we talk about the exhaustion, the stress, the constant non stop battles over every little thing. Like “c’mon kid can you sister please just look out your freaking window so I can drive in peace?!?!” And don't get me wrong I have done my fair share of calling up my shoulder to vent about the most recent pain in the butt thing my children are doing that is making me want to pull my hair out.

But here's what we are forgetting. For every one of those pain in the rear moments, there are hundreds more that are so perfect, so amazing, and so easy to miss if we only focus on the stress or exhaustion. When we were little we could run free for hours without focusing on how much sleep we got the night before or weather or not it was chilly and we didnt have a jacket. We just lived in the moment and lived life completely free. At some point we grew up and came to a point where we would rather watch TV than go outside and live. The stress of work and bills took over and relaxing was only something we could do on a friday night, the rest of the days were reserved for complaining, stressing, and working. So this is my thank you letter to my little angels, for  letting me be a child again, if only for a little while.

My little man, thank you for teaching me how to dance to the sound of an ambulance siren, and letting your sheer joy as you wiggle your little booty along side me, distract me from embarrassment I would have otherwise felt as a grown adult hopping around to the sirens. You were right, that was the perfect time to boogie, and an ambulance can carry quite a tune.

Malia, Thank you making me take you down the slide over and over and over. It has been years since I felt that drop in my stomach and the wind on my face as I sped down an extra high slide. What started as a forced climb to the top and a fake “wooo” to show you excitement turned into a very enjoyable rush as I held you while racing your brother to the top of the jungle gym over and over. At least for a little while I forgot about the two hours of sleep I had gotten the night before and focused only on how tight you closed your eyes while squealing with delight all the way down.

Thank you for reminding me how much more fun a squirt gun is at the beach than simply laying on a towel soaking up the sun.

Thank you for showing me how perfect every shell is, and how something as simple as a rock can be such a precious treasure.

Thank you for getting me down on the ground to admire a “shnail”(snail) and bringing back my childhood as you fill your pockets with rolly polly bugs.

Thank you for peanut butter kisses, for ice cream dribbling down your chin before bed, for that tiny little tongue licking your lips right before you steal the chocolate I was trying to eat in secrecy.

Thank you for those early morning snuggles, and those tiny little hands holding mine as we run across the park.

Thank you for making a simple act of feeding the ducks or petting a kitty magical again. And for making me laugh until I cried at that face you made when the puppy stole your snack.

Thank you for the bedtime stories that I do still enjoy but never would have read. Dr Seuss can never get old.

Thank you for pulling my attention to every airplane, helicopter and Jet. taking a detour to watch the Helicopters take off was way more exciting than grocery shopping anyway.

Thank you for reminding me that kisses can fix all hurt and for wrapping your tiny little arms around my neck when I was ready to break.

Thank you for not understanding why we have to rush to and fro, you are right, that is not how life is meant to be lived and there is always time to throw some rocks in the water or play racecars.

Thank you getting me out of the house at night to take a snuggle walk under the moon, nothing brings me back to my roots like staring at the night sky, yet when left up to me I don't do it nearly as often as I want to.

But most of all my angels, thank you for being you. Thank you for being perfect, for making life easy again, for having your biggest problem be when your popsicle melts before you finish eating it, and for truly believing that my snuggles could fix the world. Before I had you life was good, but it was no longer magic. Thank you for showing me how to live again.

Yes we have our hard days, and I would do anything for a few more hours of sleep, or to eat dinner without a meltdown. But the amount of love, beauty and magic that you have added to my everyday life is something I would have forgotten completely about without you.

You two are my whole world, and a single day with you, meltdowns and all, is  infinitely better than an entire lifetime without.

I love you to the moon and back my babies. Please stay little as long as you can, I'm not ready to grow up again.