to my babies as they move mountains

My sweet babies,

Right now you come to me for any problem you encounter. Knowing all that it will take is one quick trip to mom and any issue you’ve encountered will be solved. Ill kiss your scraped knee, glue the pieces, wipe up the spills, right the wrongs… and as much as I wish I could tell you life will always be that simple, the hard truth is, its not.

There will come a day my babies, that you will find yourself standing in front of a mountain, and the only person who can move it, will be you. You may have friends to lean on, and family to catch you when you fall, but the mountain itself will be yours alone. And merely looking at it will be daunting to say the least.

When this happens my baby, I need you to promise me something.

Promise me you will be brave, no matter how treacherous the climb. These mountains, I am sorry to say, will feel impossible at times, you will stand there looking at what’s in front of you and every voice in your head will tell you there is no possible way that just one human could possibly survive the things you must face…. Your mind will spin with 1000 reasons you will assuredly fail, and every bone in your body will want to turn and run. Don’t do that my angel, if your heart is telling you that mountain must be moved then you stay, you stay and you fight like you’ve never fought before. You fight even when your knuckles are bruised and bleeding, you fight when your muscles are weak and ache for rest, you fight no matter how badly you want to give up because settling for less than you deserve will hurt so, so much deeper, than any damage this fight could ever cause to you.

My darling children, the thing I hold highest in my parenting of you is ensuring I raise you to be people who believe in yourself, who know that your voice matters, and who won’t back down from what you believe in. But I know, that no matter how strong your mind is, there will be times that it betrays you, it will tell you that you are not good enough, that this fight you are fighting isn’t worth it. That your efforts are too little, even when you’re giving it your all. It’ll tell you the thing you are fighting for was never meant for you. It’ll list all the reasons you would never been good enough for that thing you are fighting for. It’ll be so convincing you will start to believe it… I am begging you my babies, don’t listen to that voice. That voice, filled with doubt, doesn’t know what you are capable of.

I know it feels like your life is dependent upon your ability to build this house of cards in the middle of a hurricane. I know the walls just won’t stop caving in around you. I know, that by all logical reasoning, that mountain cannot be moved. I know that you are giving every last bit of yourself, and still feel as though you are still falling short in every way. I know how alone you feel; I know how scared you are, I know it feels like you have nothing left to give and everything left to do. And I know, that everything in your soul wants to crawl into bed and forget the whole thing. Its ok to feel that baby, its ok to break, its ok to scream, its ok curl up on the bathroom floor and cry until your eyes run out of tears…its ok to lose your mind right now, in fact, I think you are supposed to. So call your friends and say you quit, call your mom and beg to be little again, talk to Jesus until you’re weak in the knees. But when you are done, you HAVE to pick yourself back up, and listen to that little voice coming from your heart that whispers “let’s try just one more time”. My angel, Never. Stop. Trying. Again.

You were not made to be defeated by this life. You are capable of anything you set your mind to, and there is nothing in this world that would leave you exempt from the same right to happiness that I know you desire for the rest of this world. I know that mountain seems impossible. But I also know that your heart is unstoppable.

So pick yourself back up my love, try, just one more time, and don’t stop until you’ve made it to the other side. You’ve got this my love. That tiny voice inside your heart is so much stronger than it seems. Listen to it. Let it guide you. Fight for it, against all logic, and never, ever, give up.

You can do this baby.

Find your strength, embrace the storm.

Don’t let it take you down, don’t let the hurt change who you are, don’t throw those stones in the way of others as you clear your path. Instead take those stones you are moving and turn them into seeds that will grow into something beautiful.

Go into the storm with love, hold onto your light with everything you have. Remain kind, remain loving, but don’t you dare back down.

Someday you will look back at this time and see how beautiful your broken was. You will see strength where you now see weakness. You will see courage, where you now see giving up. You will see how hard you are trying. How much you are giving, to everything you are doing. You’ll see yourself in the way that everyone who loves you already does.

So set your eyes on your goal, and believe with everything you have that it is yours for the taking.

Trust in yourself my child.

Believe in yourself

Never stop fighting for yourself.

That mountain will move, You will reach the other side.

You will be Ok my love.

I promise.

I love you my babies,

I am on your side, I am with you every step of the way, to catch you, to hear you, to push you back out there to make you keep going.

Chase your dreams my love.

You’ve got this

Xoxo -Momma

Mrs. Tweten

Mrs. Tweten,

This is going to be one of the hardest letters I have ever had to write, and honestly, I don't even know where to begin. It is impossible to put into words how much you meant to me, and every single student that had the privilege of being a student in your class, but, the world needs to know just how amazing you are so I will try my best. Please forgive all my grammatical mistakes, regardless of how many times you've told me I cannot start a sentence in the middle of a thought, I still do though I hear your voice yelling at me to fix it.
Your name was well known throughout the walls of Harbor ridge middle school, and every year I would eagerly read my class list in hopes that it was finally going to be my time to get to be part of your class. I got that honor in 8th grade and you did so much more than live up to your legacy.
You have this overwhelming presence about you, that commanded the room while simultaneously giving such a powerful feeling of peace. In your class there was no popular table, no problems at home, no one was greater or less than their peers. In your eyes, every single student was capable of reaching their highest dream, and you would settle for nothing less than our full potential on any and everything we did.
In your classroom, we were so much more than young students to whom you were assigned to teach science. We were young humans, the next generation of adults, whose unique personality was there for you to encourage and grow rather than to simply shape into some cookie cutter idea of who we were meant to be. Your outlandish personality was both entirely inappropriate for the classroom while being exactly what each and every one of us needed as developing humans. The lessons you taught me, are played word for word inside my head and I utilize that advice on a daily basis. A prime example being every parent's favorite piece of your advice that "it is better to seek forgiveness later, than permission now." You saw who we were and trusted us to make the right choice without running those decisions by anyone, long before we truly understood how important that trust was.
You had a motherly aura to you, that made me feel so safe inside your classroom. I wanted to do well because it felt so genuine when you responded with pride, and though I knew you were going to yell at me when I failed, I never doubted the underlying love and desire you had for me to do my best. It was never about the assignment to you, but how we could show ourselves through it.

I could recite word for word every joke, story and piece of advice you ever gave us. There was no shortage of laughter spilling into the hallways as your larger than life personality went off on rants completely unrelated from the work at hand. Just seeing you in the hallways would lift everyone's spirits, we were all your babies, weather we were personal students or not. You were going to parent, teach and guide us. When I was in grade school I heard a story about your quick thinking saving a classroom full of students during an earthquake. I genuinely don't know if this story is real, or a fabricated extension of how safe you made your class feel during that incredibly scary day. The story says that when the earthquake started you were grabbing students out of the halls and pulling them into your classroom to get them to safety, however once inside you knew your class was no longer safe and instructed all of the students outside to the field moments before the ceiling collapsed around the desks they were hiding under even though the rules said they were to say inside. Again I don't know, I wasn't there, but I do know that if I had been at HRMS that day, your class is the one I would have wanted to be in, being in your presence is were I would have felt the safest regardless of how damaged your room was after the fact. You were the momma bear, and with you around, every student was sure to be protected.

My time in your 8th-grade class was just the beginning, your love for every one of your students didn't end at middle school. You followed our journeys into adulthood, literally praying for each of us as we made our own way in this world. There were times our choices were met with your frustration because you saw potential in us we had not yet seen within ourselves. But oh my goodness, when you praised you praised with your whole heart.
I remember coming to your class at 19, telling you I had just joined the Navy. I was so scared, but you were so proud. I was nervous I wouldn't succeed, but you were already planning for our future email exchanges and telling me how you were going to share each adventure I took with your future students. You saw the life I was going to live and knew before I knew, that it was exactly what I needed. The hugs you gave me the day I left for boot camp held emotions I can still feel while writing this letter, and sitting here grieving your loss all I can think is how I would give anything for one more all-consuming hug from you.

Mrs. Tweten,
Thank you,
Thank you for believing in me.
Thank you for seeing the awkward, shy, quirky little girl that I was, and loving me as if I was already the woman you knew I would become.
Thank you for responding to my accomplishments with as much enthusiasm as you would your own child.
Thank you for loving me as I was, while pushing me to do better.

Thank you for being so, so much more than just my 8th-grade teacher.

Its hard to believe that the next time I go home I won't be stopping by your classroom.
and I am devastated that I didn't make it to your funeral, I am sure the room was packed with hundreds of students just like me, who lost one of the most influential people in their life. The entire community has suffered an insurmountable loss from your passing.

Please know that the world is such a better place because you were in it.
You will never be forgotten. Your voice will live on in my head forever, and your lessons are already well known by my children.

Thank you will never be enough, but I know you already know what I mean, even more so, than I do.

a letter to my younger self

To my younger self,

I wish this letter could travel through time to find you and tell you the things you need to hear.
I want you to know we're ok, we climbed that mountain and though it was treacherous it brought some of the most beautiful views...

I want you to know how temporary this seemingly unending pain is, and promise you that someday you will look back at this time and see beauty and strength where you now feel broken and weakness.

I want to tell you that you are doing the best you can. I know your best is currently messy, sporadic and incredibly flawed. But your intent is what matters and I know how hard you are trying. Give yourself grace sweet girl, this thing we call life is hard, your emotions, actions, reactions, and opinions are all normal parts of the human that you are. Its ok to not have a handle on it all yet. Youll get there. Give yourself time.
For now, Say sorry when you should, admit when you are wrong. And let it go when there is nothing left that you can do.

If I could only tell you one thing it would be that its ok to just be you.
 Is ok to be the quiet one, the loud one, the crazy one, or all of the above. right now being you may just be figuring out what version of yourself you even like, and thats ok. be all of them. individually or all at once, just be you.
Its ok to not know how you feel about something, emotions and events are tricky, you don't have to decide how you feel right away, give yourself time to process it, you'll feel better about your responses when they are true to you and not an imitation of your surroundings.
Its ok to not know, Seriously, ask questions, admit when you are wrong, strive to learn more than you teach, you cannot get better if you refuse to learn what you do not know.
You DO NOT have to have your future planned right now Its ok that you don't know at 17 how you are going to support yourself when you are 30....you are a kid. Society has this false idea that the second we turn 18 we should be fully ready to support ourselves or working toward the degree that will get us to that point. Society is wrong my love, all you need to do is find what sets your soul on fire and follow it until it no longer brings you joy. There is no "right" way to live. Right now at 28,  if you looked at a timeline of our life since leaving high school, you would think you were reading 3 completely different stories, yet each was just a chapter, a blimp in the overall story of us. each version of our life shaped us into who we are today, yet none of them were dependent on a career we did or didn't choose at 17. At the end of the day, it has never been how you make your money that matters, its who you spent your time with, the family you created, and ensuring that you left each person you visited a little better than you found them.
so rather than stressing over What you are going to be, focus simply on Who you are going to be... be kind to everyone you meet, live your truth even when it goes against the grain, take every opportunity you are given regardless of how much it scares you, never stop believing in the good that could be, and for the love of all that is holy, please stop flipping off the camera, you are going to want to show those pictures to your kids someday!

As for the future? Its so so worth it. I am not going to lie to you, there is no path that is free of all conflict, and life is going to throw you some curveballs. You are going to get knocked down from time to time, but every time you rise you rise higher. Your ability to love and be loved will deepen as you allow those around you to bring beauty to your pain, and you will learn to be the beauty in others when they hurt. You will realize that being happy doesn't mean never having a bad day, it means choosing the life that brings you the most meaning and embracing the ups and downs that your unique path brings to you.

We may never feel like we have it figured out, but I am beginning to think that may be ok. So my promise to you, and my future self is to continue to embrace that unknown, to allow myself time, to always strive for improvement but allow myself grace when I fall short, and to never stop believing in the positive hiding in the pain.

It gets better sweet girl, so, so much better. and you are going to want to be around to see it. So hold on, believe in the good, and trust your journey. Let's see where we end up.

Sincerely, you.

To my beautiful babies as they grow,

    My babies, i have felt it for a while now, i see it peaking out, glimpses of your transition into independent little souls. It started out as little things, here and there, but its rapidly increasing and slowly becoming the norm instead of a rarity.

    And while I cannot wait to meet the incredible humans i know you will become, I find myself walking into these beautiful moments and feeling desperate to be able to to just tuck it away in a place I could come back to on the days I miss the versions of you both as my  little buddies. The days where your hands are still too small to carry most things yourself, but fit around my fingers so perfectly. The days where bath times have bubble beards and anything can be made better with a balloon. These days that are slowly changing into princess castles, Nerf gun fights and scooters in the park…. And oh my word are these a blast. Your newfound interests and abilities have completely transformed the dynamics of our relationship, playing with you in your world, watching you create stories and act them out, always the fastest, bravest, strongest, you no longer need me to hold your hand and the higher the hill the faster you’ll roll. My sweet little toddlers that needed me to match them step by step as they began to navigate this world, are being replaced by these beautiful children barreling ahead of me to see what adventure is waiting. And while I am welcoming my new friends with open arms, I would like to write this letter in an attempt to freeze this moment. To keep this sweet spot between big and little.

    Noah, being a part of your life has been the most incredible experience. Your loving tender heart has been changing my life since the first time I heard it beat. You have done so much and touched so many lives in your four little years, I can only imagine what you have in store for the future.

 You are practical, always weighing the pros and cons. You like rules, and order, but you would prefer if you got to be in charge of them. You care about things, and are careful to keep them safe. Since you were a baby you've been able to remember every single toy and who gave it to you. Always saying thank you even years after you received it. You are grateful for what you have and take care of things that matter. You can keep track of the tiniest Lego for weeks on end, never losing it, even when you take it to bed with you.  You prefer to put your important things up high so they won't get ruined even when that means not playing with them.

When experiencing something new you get quiet, you don't display much emotion either way, you take it all in, every detail. I used to think this meant you were unhappy, I would tire myself out trying to entertain you, then I realized, you are happy, this is just you, you’re memorizing it, figuring it out, drawing out maps in your head because no doubt you will be able to navigate it on your own next time around. Later, you will describe in perfect detail every bump in the sidewalk, color of each building and instance that confused you that you want me to explain.

You’re extremely cautious, this is not to say that you don’t like risks, you just like to know you have control. You practice every day on your dirt bike, each time taking those corners a little faster than before. “Carefully fast” that's how you’ll ride. You “promise.”

You are my little super hero, always looking out for those in need. Your the kids that stops to help their friend that’s struggling regardless of the situation.

You’re sensible with just enough spunk to keep you fun. Your little wiggly side peaks out at all the right moments. But oh my goodness that  incredible little mind of yours, always learning, soaking up information like a sponge. There is nothing you don't want to know. Facts are like candy to you, you don't want a bogus baby version you want to hear what things do and how they work until you could build it yourself.

You are my buddy, you open my door, help with the laundry, carry all the heavy things. You look to me with that smile for confirmation when you want to know if someone is telling you the truth. We send our secret messages across the room and know the other one understands…..I can see the beautiful man you are becoming, and I know your life is going to be one I am going to want to see. But for now I want to watch you buckle that ninja turtle helmet as you take one more lap around the yard before dinner and let you have pizza for the 3rd night in a row because its all you want to eat and this phase won’t last forever.

Malia, you entered this world every bit as perfect, brave, and outspoken as you are today. You are the kind of girl who leaps first and looks second. You always want to be thrown higher or pushed faster. You aren’t worried about what's coming because you are so focused on what's going on in the moment. You feel with your whole heart and are both the greatest lover and fighter i’ve ever known.

You are stubborn. Oh my goodness your tiny little frame thinks its big. You will shake your itty bitty finger at me and complete my 3-2-1 countdown with a giggle and a grin. Even though we both have known since before you even responded that you were going to comply, you just enjoy the challenge…when you’ve had enough you’ll slowly banter toward what ever i asked you to do in some nonchalant way that tells me you’re doing it because you want to not because I told you, 

You are confident, you’ll walk right up to any princess at Disneyland and just know THEY are there to see YOU. however your confidence doesn't come from vanity, more so, an assurity that your love will be returned. You are there to share a moment with those princesses, because you know without a doubt, that they love you just as deeply as you love them.

And lord how you can love. There isn't a creature you can pass that doesn't make you ball your little hands together and say in a squeaky little voice “its soooooo cuuuuteeee!” you are constantly mothering anything around you, bringing the dog blankets, bringing our friends babies their pacifiers, wrapping your stuffed animals up and shushing them to sleep. When I am sad you bring me your special blanket, your “biti”, selflessly offering me the thing that always brings you comfort.

You are kind to everyone you meet. Always offering your toys and snacks to anyone who even glances in their direction and You are always the first to give up your place when someone is waiting in line. You are content to sit back and watch someone else enjoy something so long as you can cuddle up with me while you wait.

    And you are already so hungry for more. Every day you pick out one of your princess dresses (literally the only thing you have been willing to wear for the last 4 months) and you dream up a world where you do all the big things. You check every day to see if your hair is as long as Rapunzel's yet and have been keeping your eyes out for “wedding dresses” when we go to the store. You want earrings and hair bows and always make sure your dress matches the princess on the movie when its your night to pick.

    You and I have learned so much from each other these past two and a half years. Our roots were made strong through our rough beginning and the relationship that emerged in the end is unlike any i’ve ever seen. You are my muddy little princess, wild and free, you live in such a state of independence but at the end of the day you can’t sleep until we’ve cuddled up together playing with each others hair or talking about the events of the day.

    And the two of you together…..an unstoppable force. Noah you are always there to make sure your sister doesn’t stray too far. You are aware of the rules and want to make sure we follow them. Malia your persuasive sense of adventure always pulls your brother out of his shell just enough to keep him smiling. You two are always off in your own little worlds together fighting bad guys and saving the puppies. You stick together when it's dark outside and one of you wants to grab something but feels scared. You find safety in the comfort of each other and brave the night together. You get on each others nerves, and there are times I have to separate you two… but you are always asking for each other before long because at the end of the day you are two peas in a pod, best friends ready to take on the world.

I love you both so incredibly much….As I write this I see a stuffed bunny rabbit and a paw patrol helicopter by my feet, and I am all to are of the fact that those thing will soon be replaced with backpacks and homework, so just for tonight I will leave them be, I will linger a little longer as I check on you one last time before going to bed, and I will try my hardest to keep these moments just a little bit longer, before these days are gone and these little friends are replaced by the amazing people I am so eager meet.

To my little man

To my little man.
I have wanted to write this letter a million times over but have never found the right words. Then I realized there aren't any. A month from now I may look back at this letter and wonder what in the world I was thinking, how could I possibly believe that was what I needed to say? But I guess that's just the point isn't it?
You see my darling boy, you were my first baby. You are who made me a mom, and you didn't come with instructions. You are learning how to go through life and I'm right beside you frantically trying to figure out how to not screw that up for you.
We have had our good times And our bad, our smooth sailing and our rough patches. And we are continuing to learn and grow every day as we explore each new chapter together.
My angel boy, you've brought more joy into my life than I ever imagined possible. You have taught me more in your 3 short years than I will ever be able to teach you in my lifetime. Your passion for life is infectious and reliving my childhood with you has made each memory 100 times more magical. 
You are so strong, so smart and kind beyond words. And your patience and forgiveness toward me in my times of growth have been unfathomable.
You see my love, you are the first human I have ever been in charge of, and with the good has come the bad. Though I've tried to always be the kind loving mother you deserve I have had times of failure. I have pushed too hard when I should have been comforting. I have demanded too much when I should have been guiding and I have withdrawn when you needed me most. Yet through it all you forgave me. You woke up with each new day and tried again. Your love for me never failed and I knew I had to try harder, do better, be better, to be the mommy you deserve.
My sweet little man, you are growing up right before my eyes and I am now begging to get back the sleepless nights I once wished away. Those shoes I so desperately wanted you to know how to put on yourself a year ago, are now on your feat and ready to head out the door to school before I even have a chance to remind you to grab them.
Those tiny clothes have changed from Elmo to airplanes and I know soon they will bare nothing but a logo.
I am watching as your tiny hands slowly begin to fill mine and remember all the times I wished I could set you down due to an aching back while you now run freely across the grass only coming back for a quick snack before you are off again.
My angel boy I still remember the night I went into labor with your sister. You were 18 months old and our relationship as we knew it was about to change. I picked you up and gave you one last hug as my baby before heading to the hospital. It was so hard to let you go because I knew from that point on I needed you to be bigger. 
I needed you to sit by my side instead of my lap so I could nurse the baby. I needed you to be patient and wait instead of jumping right out when we parked so I could unbuckle the baby first. I needed so much more than I should have ever asked from you and you always tried your hardest to comply.
You have the heart of a lion and have always gone out of your way to ensure that you are taking care of those around you before meeting your own needs. You would give away your last snack before letting any other kid feel left out  and I am not an exclusion to this rule.
I have so many feelings about my worthiness of that kind of love. I am unbelievably sorry for my shortcomings. You deserve 1000x more than I will ever be capable of giving. I am amazed beyond believe that god trusted me with someone as incredible as you. I am determined to spend every minute of every day doing all that I can to improve myself in order to become even just 1/10th of what you deserve. I feel insane amounts of guilt for the times that I have failed. But overwhelming pride when I see you say or do something I know You learned from me. I am so madly, deeply, incredibly in love I am convinced there is no possible way to love anything more than I love you and your sister, yet everyday you two make me fall more in love. And I promise my sweet boy, from every pitfall I will learn and do better, from every success I will strive to repeat, I will pray each night for more patience. I will remember how fast these years fly by and cherish the chaos that's comes with them instead of wishing it away.
My little man, you are growing into the most beautiful human being and I couldn't be more blessed to get to bare whiteness to that. Thank you, thank you for choosing me to be your mommy. Thank you for changing my life and for having patience with me while I learn. Thank you for teaching me more about the world than I ever learned on my own. Thank you for loving my heart in spite of my actions. Thank you for the midnight snuggles. Thank you for hogging the bed. Thank you for the laughter, the jokes, the disregard for the negative mood and continued happiness through the storms. Thank you for being the most beautiful little man I have ever known. But most of all, Thank you for making me a mommy.

Learning my Worth

A little while ago I read a story about a man being kicked off an Alaska Airlines plane after catcalling a stewardess. Apparently while she was giving her safety presentation he said something along the lines of “sexy” in her direction. He was asked to be respectful and replied that he was “just joking around.” The stewardess talked with her coworkers and the man was removed from the plane shortly after.  Maybe its the fact that I am obsessed with psychology and society interactions, or maybe its simply being nosey, but I love going through the comments on stories like this to see how other people are reacting and feeling when something controversial happens. This story had a lot of positive and negative responses but the one that surprised me the most was my own.

I am ashamed to say that my first response was “well that's a bit of an overreaction.” Then I instantly reflected on my thought and why I would respond that way. I thought about all the times that I have been the subject of unwanted sexual advances even when they are just verbal. I thought about how uncomfortable I felt in my own skin when being hit on even in a “playful manner.” I thought about how carefully I pick my clothes in an attempt to walk that fine line between presentable but not sexual which with our society is a VERY, FINE, LINE. I remembered feeling fearful when walking alone after being catcalled wondering if it was innocent or if that man was going to follow and possibly harm me; and I realized I don’t protect my own worth.

As much as I believe I am a feminist who can do everything on my own and I do not need a man. I am unwilling to speak up for myself when it matters most.  Society has programed me to believe that it is ok for a man to objectify me and I should be “flattered” when they yell “sexy” in my direction while I walk down the street. I have been taught that my appearance is directly related to my overall worth and when my appearance is commented on I somehow become more valuable making my presence in that space more important. I have been taught that it would be rude to show how uncomfortable I am to the man commenting on my looks no matter how unwanted those comments are. He hasn't touched me inappropriately right? So what's the big deal? For that matter I have been taught that you put up with the guy at the office who always stares a little south of your face because calling him out on it would be disrespectful and you hug your creepy uncle because it would be rude not to. In fact the only time it is actually ok for a woman to stand up for herself is if a man physically forces himself onto an area of her body covered by her under garments. Everything else is fair play when it comes to my personal space.

I reflected on these societal standards and I thought about my daughter. I thought about her going to work and having to be polite while her body is clearly objectified. I considered how I would feel if that stewardess was my daughter and if they hadn't kicked that man off the plane. I pictured her serving him beverages politely after he so clearly disrespected her. I was livid when I realized that out of all the women on that plane, only one had the courage to actually call him out on his actions. (because we were all raised in the society I mentioned above) and instead of him apologizing for clearly offending her, he tried to turn it around and place the blame on her….

I learned a lot today about my feelings regarding sexual advances and how they should be handled. Alaska Airlines I want to personally thank you for not only protecting this woman's mental health, but for teaching me that I am worth speaking up for. That my body is not here for anyone else's pleasure and that speaking up for myself is not only respecting myself, but it is also the right thing to do. I truly hope that other companies follow in your footsteps so that by the time my daughter is old enough to notice the stares, she will also be brave enough to stop them.

The overwhelming pressure of motherhood.

Today I cried, I cried because the overwhelming pressure that is motherhood had been piling up for so long that at an unforeseen moment in the middle of an otherwise perfectly pleasant afternoon, I broke down.

I broke down because the Hundreds of articles telling me that literally no matter what type of parenting I practice I am wrong and my child will be forever damaged. I cried because the mom I have to be isn't the friend I want to be. I cried because no matter where I turn or who I talk to, I can always find some way that my parenting falls short compared to theirs, even if its just in one department. I cried because the pressure to do everything and be everything all at once is just too freaking much. But mostly I cried because I love my babies so intensely that not only is failure not an option, but falling short of anything other than over perfection is completely out of the question.

And I am no different from any other mom on the planet. When I got pregnant I read about 50 thousand articles on which types of parenting caused what types of children. I took as many classes in child development as my psychology major would allow, and I had multiple sit down conversations with my husband on what we would and would not do. I picked my path, just like every other mom. I chose the path that I believed would lead to the healthiest, happiest child and I intended to stick with it.

I wanted my relationship with my child to be based on trust and respect, I wanted them to always know that I was in their corner. I wanted to give them nothing but positive reinforcement and talk them through every single emotion they ever experienced. I didn't want to spoil them but I wanted them to have everything they ever needed and I wanted them to learn how to interact with the world by following my example instead of using discipline.

For a while it all went great, our bond was clearly formed. It was my baby and me ready to take on the world. My little man was my partner in crime and I knew I was the mom I had set out to be. But as he grew my theories were tested, I would explain to him why we don't grab toys from other kids and how it makes our friends feel good when we share, then watch as he stole a toy right out of his buddies hand. I would grab him seconds before he ran into the street after he ran away from me and talk to him about how dangerous it is and why, and he would wiggle out of my arms and dart right back into the road. I would fill his plate with veggies after taking all the advice about letting them play with it, and help prepare it, and watch as the threw his plate across the room and I felt defeated.

I realized that if I continued to only be his friend I would be doing him a major injustice. Sure in the short term he would be my happy little boy, playing in the street with his buddies monster truck while snacking on goldfish. But where would that get him in the long run? I had to be his mom. I had to learn to tell him no. Since I had tried everything from talking, to only reinforcing positive behaviors, to ignoring the problem completely, and nothing was working I had to break my first rule and put him in “quiet time” when he wouldn't stop running into the road. I had to watch his little heart break as I we left the park early because he refused to share with other kids, and I had to simply let him cry when I refused to give him goldfish for dinner. I became the meanest mom ever and I could feel it. The relationship we once had that was centered around my catering to his every need had shifted into teaching him how to the person I know his little heart longs to be. While our days are still centered around kid related activities, our interactions, more often than not are that of correction, shaping, and reinforcing than just playing and being the friends that every article I read told me to be, and it kills me.

While I know in my heart that my love for my babies is all encompassing, and that my actions stem from the deeply rooted need to do what I believe is best by them. The guilt that I hold over the fear that I am screwing this whole thing up every time I tell him no is overwhelming. The fear that my frustration when he doesn't listen is too evident and will make him feel unloved even just for a second. The concern over the fact that in reality, I have no idea what I am doing. And the constant mommy wars adding to the guilt, fear and concern because other moms chose different paths than each other.  Its enough to sink a ship.

If I were one of my friends talking to me I would tell myself how much I love my babies, and that they know it. I would tell myself that I wasn't born a mom I was born a human and every day that I do my best is more than enough. I would remind myself that kids don't come with instructions and that no one style of parenting is correct because kids do not come out of a text book.  I would tell myself to put the books down, stop reading the articles and to ignore any mommas to think their way is the only way of raising babies.

Unfortunately I am much better at giving advice than taking it, so I will just tell you, incase you need to hear it. We all have our guilt, we are all swaying from who we originally thought we would be as moms. We are all just trying to raise our babies the best way we know how, and just because you read a thousand articles when you were pregnant and decided that was the parent you were going to be, does not mean that the parent you became after you met the little person you were meant to raise isn't exactly who your baby needs.

I am going to give myself grace during this transition from friend to mom. I am going to remember that I love my children so much that I am willing to be the bad guy so that they may become happy adults. I am going to let myself be human and a mom. I am going to do my best to remind myself that just because “Ashleys” parenting is fantastic for her children, it may not be what's best for mine and I don't need to feel inadequate for not mimicking it.

I am going to try to be done with the articles, the forums, the guilt… I'm just going to be a mom doing the best I can to raise two happy little humans. So if you see me in the park with one kid on my hip and the other kid in quiet time up against a fence, please take your shaming eyes off of me. We place enough shame and guilt on ourselves as mothers, we don't need yours. My best looks different than your best and I think I can speak for all of us when I say we really need that to be ok.