Get your finger out of your butt! and other things I never thought I would have to say.

I am currently in a magical time in my parenting. A time where I get to say and hear sentences I never thought I would be saying. These Sentences are passed between both my toddler and myself as well as between my husband and myself. Any sound familiar?

At home

Toddler: I need my ice innnnn my bowl.

Me: Ok hold on let me use the bathroom.

Toddler: I Neeeeeeed my iceeeeeeeeee

Me: Ok fine Ill get your ice first.

Toddler: small ice. Smalll ice pieces pleaseeee

Me: *Grabs things required to crush an ice cube

*crushes ice

*still in the motion of doing stuff while toddler watches very carefully

Toddler: innnnn my bowl

Me:*puts it in his bowl and begins walking toward the bathroom

Toddler:AHHH MY ICE IS TOO COLD

Me: yes ice is cold

Toddler: fix it. Fixin myyy iceeeee pleaseeeee

So there I was for the next 30 minutes blowing on each individual piece of ice before my toddler popped it into his mouth, all while trying not to pee my pants.

At the store

Me at the grocery store: Ok let's go to the bathroom

Toddler: Mommy needa go poopoo?

Me: I need to use the potty yes

*goes to the checkout clerk to ask for key

Toddler: MOMMY NEEDA GO POO POO!!

Excuse me while I go die.

At the doctor

Me:* talking to the doctor not paying attention to my toddler sitting next to me quietly, all of this sudden he sticks his finger in my nose.

Ahh don't pick my nose!

Toddler: I put my booger innn mommy nose.

Me: what?

Toddler: *proudly shows me the booger he picked OUT OF HIS NOSE. then tried to PUT INTO MINE! (i feel like it is worse that this happened right in front of the doctor….)

Clearly my parenting is on point.

Potty training

As soon as that diaper comes off it is a whole other world. Here is a fun collection of self describing sentences I have had the privilege of saying over the past 10 months.

Me: Get your finger out of your butt! X10 a day

Me to husband: *totally serious face,

“and how was his poop?”

“did he poop today”

“did he poop a lot”

“When did he last poop”

“What color was it?”

I swear there may be a relation between potty training and loss of your sex drive.

Me to toddler

“Don't pee on the bunny”

“Don't pee on your toys”

“Don't pee your sister”......Yea bathtime doesn't always result in clean children

Making dinner

Me: no you can't eat the raw meat

Me: dont lick my leg

Me: dont lick my booty

Me: no you can't hold the knife

*places my 2 year old and my 6 month old in the front room which is less than 10 feet away from the kitchen while I go back and forth cooking.*

*am in the kitchen for less than 30 seconds, come back into the front room to see my toddler sitting on my baby's back while she lays on her tummy on the floor… I sprint to him and knock him off her as he raises his booty to bounce on her*

Me: Don't sit on baby!!

Toddler: *raising his hands in protest, with a look on his face like his explanation is going to clear this punishment right up* No no, I bouncy bouncy….

Yea we called a few nurses hotlines that night.

Taking out the trash

*toddler chasing behind me with his hands in front of him trying to touch my butt*

Toddler: booty booty booty booty

Me: dont touch my butt!

Toddler: *continues trying to touch my butt while singing his booty song as neighbors pass….*

Again… my parenting...its perfection

On injuries

My toddler is big into rules. If he is given a rule that he deems suitable he follows it like the holy grail. A big one to him is making the punishment fit the crime, no matter who did it.

If he is naughty he gets quiet time. (I know I'm ruining his self esteem or some other crunchy shit... when your toddler is “bouncy bouncy”ing on your baby, he needs a timeout) anyway. Since he always gets quiet time for being bad, everyone else must too.

Toddler: *steps on a toy.* Owwwww, mommmm, toy hurt my foot!

Me: Im sorry baby, you ok?

Toddler: Tell her mom, tell toy quiet time!

Me: oh, honey I think it was an accident the toy is sorry…

Toddler: no, not accident.. Tell her that toy quiet time…..

So I put that naughty race car in quiet time, all the while re evaluating every life choice I ever made.

To Annie at CVS

Last night my baby girl woke up sick. She screamed incessantly through the night and well into the day.  She was exhausted but couldn't fall asleep. She refused to be put down, and her fever just wouldn't go below 100. A part of me felt like she was teething, given that she is 11 months old with no teeth it seemed like a no brainer. That along with her being my second child, I wasn't quick to rush her to the doctor, we've done the sick thing before, I figured if it was a bug we would ride it out rather than go to the emergency room on a saturday. (Why do they only get sick on the weekends or after doctor office hours???) However, by 530pm we hit our 20 hours of screaming mark and I knew she needed to be seen. We went to the emergency room down the road, and within 29 minutes we were told she had a double ear infection and needed antibiotics. There was a CVS in the same parking lot that closed at 6 so we sprinted over there to catch them before they left. 6:02 I walked through the door, just as your pharmacists were clocking out. I had my baby resting her warm little body on my chest, crying from pain, her achy body radiating with fever. I told them I knew I was 2 minutes late but Malia was very sick and begged that they could just please fill her prescription. To which they replied that the pharmacy was already closed but i could try the 24 hour pharmacy down the street.  

Let's just pause, I get that there is probably protocal and things that I am not aware of since I don't work in a pharmacy, but they also kinda looked like people, with hearts, who looked at my little girl, and just turned her away when the medicine she needed was right there behind the counter, within 20 feet of us.

So I loaded my baby into the car, she screamed the whole time. All she wanted was to go home and rest and instead we had to go to yet another pharmacy because of two minutes.

When we got to the next CVS it was 6:12, as I walked in I could see the wall drawn to block off the pharmacy, my heart sank as I asked the checkout clerk if their pharmacy was closed. He said that they were, and the pharmacy I had been referred to was 20 minutes away.

I asked if the pharmacist was still in and you were. You unlocked the pharmacy and looked at my tired sick little baby, who now only had silent tears rolling down her cheeks, you took my prescription and filled it. Even though you had already closed. Even though doing so added 28 minutes to your night. (Probably more because I assume you had to do some type of extra inventory after we left) You don't know me, and I don't know anything about you, but you put aside your plans for the night. You ignored the fact that you could have simply clocked out and told us to find another pharmacy like the previous women had done. But you didn't, you stayed and filled my babies prescription. I kept thanking you and you just said “of course, she is a baby.”

I don't know much about you. I don't know what that extra 28 minutes to fill my daughter's prescription did to your night. But I do know that it made a world of difference for ours. You saved us from yet another time in and out of the car, another 20 minutes of misery without treatment as we waited for her prescription. You saved me from the helpless feeling I had at the first pharmacy as I walked away with my sweet sick little baby in my arms, feeling as though I had failed at helping her. Instead of adding another hour to our night, you took 28 minutes of yours and sent us home where she took her bubble bath and went to sleep.

Annie, there is no way to express to you the gratitude that I feel toward you. You chose compassion when you could have walked away. You didn't have to help us, you didn't have to even open the pharmacy wall. You could have clocked out and gone about your night without ever laying eyes on us. But you chose to take that 28 minutes to treat others like they are humans rather than just another prescription, and I can never thank you enough. You are truly a blessing in a hard time. Thank you thank you thank you.

The most terrifying day of my life.

My beautiful girl. Today was the most terrifying day of my life, all because of 15 seconds. You are a very independent little girl, and you and your brother play together so well that over the last few months we have slowly reached a point where the two of you can be left in a room together for a very minimal amount of time while I use the bathroom or brush my teeth. Noah is very obsessive about the rules and is very quick to alert me if you are doing something you shouldn't be which only increases my short term trust with the two of you. However today was different. Your dad, Noah, you and I were all down stairs in the front room. You were doing your own thing, Noah and your dad were coloring, and I was getting ready to get my hair cut. I ran upstairs and grabbed my dress which was on the counter at the top of the stairs, then quickly headed back down. There was no way that this took any more than 15 seconds. When I got to the bottom of the stairs I didn't see you in the front room with your brother. Our down stairs is an open concept front room, dining room, kitchen so it wasn't that big of a deal that you weren't right there. However something made me want to see you as quickly as possible so I speed-walked into the kitchen where we have all sharp things placed very high and all low cabinets childproofed. We are always very careful to shut the cabinets so that the locks stick and you never seem to have an interest in the ones you can't open anyway. Yet there you were, with the spout of a bottle of rubbing alcohol in your mouth, a circle of powdered comet containing bleach surrounding you as well as covering your arms, hands and lips, and multiple other chemical cleaners surrounding you. In less than a minute I had you naked and in the sink with poison control on the phone who instructed me to rinse your mouth, give you milk for the comet, and ice cream or something sugary for the rubbing alcohol as well as what symptoms to watch for over the next hour.

I did as I was told and held you tight for the hour and then some. Time seemed to stand still and about an eternity later it was safe for you to take your nap.You showed absolutely no symptoms, and it seams as though while you were covered in the chemicals you did not actually ingest any.  I sat by your crib while you slept and listened to you breathe. My mind played out horrible scenarios over and over of what could have happened had I been up stairs for just a second longer. Every one of your tiny little breaths sounded more precious than the last. Your beautiful little life was spared today and I can never thank God enough for stopping you when the comet hit your lips instead of eating it like you do with everything else. For not letting the rubbing alcohols spout release any into your mouth.

Two things happened today my love. One, I moved any and all chemicals including nail polish to the cabinet above the fridge, and two, I was given the gift of being able to see how precious life truly is, without enduring the hurt that normally teaches that lesson. My sweet baby when I lay you down to sleep tonight I will make sure not to rush out of the room when you ask me to rock you. I promise not to be so fixed on nap time even when I have homework. I promise to remember how blessed I am for your voice when you are crying at 2 am, and to cherish the 6am wakeups that always happen 4 hours later. My sweet baby, the fear I felt today was a gift, a reminder, a brief pause. It jolted my priorities and showed me just how precious life is. As well as how quickly it all can change. There was nothing different about today. Your father and I did nothing wrong. We have taken all of the precautions, Baby gates are always closed, the water temperature is fixed so it won't burn you, all outlets have plugs, all cabinets have locks... It is absolutely impossible to NEVER take your eyes off your child, and today happened to be the time that you took advantage of that. My eyes keep filling with tears thinking of what could have happened, and I know once I lay you down tonight I am going to find a quiet place to cry it out. But for now I am going to turn off my phone, ignore the clock saying it's bedtime, and snuggle you as close as I can. Because you are what matters. You and your brother are more important than the cleanliness of my house, any grade I may get on my schoolwork, and every time you wake up at night is a blessing, not a burden. No matter what it feels like in the moment.

I love you baby girl. I love you, I love you, I love you.  

How to decorate a house from one toddler to another.

It is common knowledge that all toddlers are master decorators, as such it is a huge responsibility that us toddlers have taken on in which we are required to keep the house fully decorated at all times. Mom is a big help in this because she is very good about keeping the house stocked with the tools we need for successful decoration, and she is quick to wipe our canvas clean so that we may learn from our past decorating mistakes and go back to try again with a bigger and better outcome. Of course it is the dream of all toddlers to create such a masterpiece that no mom, chemical or bulldozer could undo the elaborate work we have created. Since there is only a small window of time for us to create our mona lisa of disasters before we lose our ability to create such art, it is vital that our work be fast and precise. With that being said I would like to help you fellow toddlers in your decorating missions by passing on some tips and tricks I have learned in my 2.5 years here on earth.

Always start with the play room. This is essential if you want to make sure that you have plenty of time for the rest of your endeavors. The trick is to play happily and contently while simultaneously dumping out every single box containing toys while your mom prepares your breakfast. It is important not to begin taking apart other important boxes yet because then mom will be onto your plan and shut it down before it begins. Around the time you have successfully completed the removal of all toys from their original place and scattered them about the room it will be breakfast time.

Breakfast time is the first real challenge of the day. You must find a way to get as much food on the floor, table and chairs as possible. If you are an older toddler this can be done by purposely taking too big of a bite so most of it falls off the spoon or smashes against your cheeks on its way to your mouth. Use your hand to wipe the excess food off your face then immediately rub your hands all over the chair and table. If you are younger simply hit the side of your food bowl in a fit of happiness so that it goes flying off your placemat and covers the surrounding area. For bonus points sneeze as soon as mom gives you a bite so your food also sprays all over her.

Now that you have created a nice distraction for mom so she won't be bored while you are busy with your work, move on to the kitchen. You must work fast as there are so many drawers and cupboards to get to. Start with the lowest drawers first, open them all and fling any and all items it may contain onto the floor. If you have a older sibling get them started on the harder to reach cupboards after they have opened all of the childproof cabinets that may have slowed you down. Note: it is important that you dump all foods such as cereal, oatmeal, and rice out of their original container then scatter them across the floor. If possible get some of it stuck to your hands and knees so that it drags through the carpet as you enter other rooms.

About this time your mom will have seen your masterpiece and want to challenge you. She will bring you to the living room and turn on your favorite show to see how well you can work with a distraction. Do not let the powers of Elmo confine you! You are stronger than that. Immediately go to her collectables display and tear everything out of it. Pay special attention to the little pieces, hide them places so your mom worries that you may have eaten them. It is ok to catch the letter of the day when it comes on but make sure to stay mostly focused on the task at hand. If your couch has removable cushions be sure to take all of them off. Scatter any toys that may be within your reach. Then finish the task by drooling all over the remote then removing and hiding its batteries so your family has no choice but to let you watch Elmo to your heart's content. You’ll have that alphabet down in no time.

Your mom may want to see how you fare in an unknown environment. She may take you to a park so you can “let your Creative energy out.” Do not be afraid to show off your skills on the way there. She will most likely pack you a snack to which you can demand as soon as you get in the car. Make sure to squish, slobber and crush these snacks before throwing them all over the back seat. Do not forget to seal the deal by unscrewing your sippy cup top to splatter your milk around so the car doesn't lose that creative edge. Don't be discouraged if your mom tests your abilities by giving you a very small amount of milk. Simply put some in your mouth so it first mixes with your saliva, then spit it out. You’ll find that you can make it stretch to much greater lengths this way.  

Once at the park find the biggest dirtiest puddle around and simply roll around in it. If you are lucky enough to track through dog-poo on your way even better. Make sure that your clothes are thoroughly soaked, then find a stick, rock or leaf and attempt to eat it right in front of her. She should give up on the park pretty quickly, strapping you back into your car seat which will now become saturated with your triumph. Make sure to kick the seat in front of you to cover as much surface as possible with your muddy poo covered shoes.  If you no longer wear diapers, feel free to wet your pants on the way home.

Once home she will most likely take you to the bathroom to attempt to clean you up before your nap. During the bath splash as much as possible to thoroughly soak the entire bathroom as well as your mom with your bathwater. If this is repeated well enough on a regular basis you may get lucky enough to have your bathwater seep through the floor and pour out from the ceiling below. At which point mom will pay someone a lot of money to come admire your ingenious work. Do not forget that mom is a canvas too, so be sure to saturate her clothing with your bathwater as well as wiggle all over her while she puts your lotion on so that excess lotion covers her clothes and hair. The more you fight and kick getting dressed and going to bed the better your mommy makeover will be.

You mom will attempt to undo your beautiful work while you are napping. She may or may not be successful depending on the length of your nap. So either take a very short nap to ensure she doesn't get far before you continue, or take a long enough nap that you are well rested and ready to double time through your mornings activities before your dad gets home.  It is important to cease all operations when your dad walks through the door. So make sure that you have covered all your bases before then. When he walks through the door play quietly with one or two toys in the center of your chaos, eat peacefully and respectfully, then kiss both of your parents on the cheek before happily walking up to your room to put yourself to sleep. This will ensure that your father asks your mother what she did all day, which will finish your final phase of the mommy makeover, thus completing your days mission.

11 Lessons I've learned from having kids.

1. Showers are sacred, and I don't mean that in a “haha yea moms don't shower” kind of way. I mean that in a “if you have the choice between dinner with Jesus and taking a shower, choose the shower.” Every time! You have no business around Jesus smelling like that anyway. I am serious the shower must be obtained at all costs. If your mom comes over and offers to watch your babies for a few mins while you take a shower, you take it! Even if you were just getting out of one when she arrived. You never know when your next shower could be. You need the extra scrub.

2. You can actually take 45 minutes to eat half a banana. This lesson usually unfolds right around bedtime. I tell my son to go to bed. He raises with a “Im hungry.” I use my poker face and say “then you can have a banana but nothing else” thinking he will back down. (Just so all you moms know, they won't back down. Not if it means getting out of bed time. I get all the good veggies in this way.) This little man stands strong and takes that banana and LICKS IT for 45 minutes!!!! Let me repeat that HE LICKS A BANANA. Doesn't bite, doesn't chew…. Licks it…..I can't get mad because technically he is eating it, there goes any plans I had for my night…  Well played little man.

3. The need for your toddler to see his nipples can be so overpowering that he will not allow anyone else in the house to do anything with their lives until they have found him a mirror so he can thoroughly examine them. My tiny little man discovered these round beauties a few weeks ago and it is now a regular thing that in the middle of an ordinary activity everybody must stop as he pulls up his shirt, requests to be taken to a mirror and shows us all his nipples….. Life stays interesting that's for sure.

4. Bunnies will lick you as a sign of affection….. Or a sign that you are covered in banana. This lesson came shortly after lesson 4. When our little bunny came up to me on the couch and kept licking and then nipping at my pants getting little chunks of leg flesh in the processes. It took me a few minutes to realize that I was covered in banana which is what was attracting these furry little bites of death.

5. The only thing better than a napkin made of gold, is mom's pants, shirt, arm, face, hair. These snotty little children will know that you have just received your once a week 3 minute shower that would make even a nascar pit crew proud. And come running over to you with a napkin in their hand, in order to rub their jelly frosted face back and forth against your legs then announce “alllllll clean”...don't worry you only have 4 more days until your next shower, and your bunny is more than willing to pick up the slack in the meantime.

6. Sleep: My theory is that receiving sleep and receiving jewelry should be thought of in the same way. Let me explain. While it may be normal for some women to expect to receive some type of jewelry related present on a special occasion like their birthday or christmas. It is not a realistic expectation for any random day of the week. Therefor when you do receive sleep, you should be grateful. Never mind that the only kind of sleep your child can afford at this age in their life can closely resemble those stick on earrings you could buy from claire's. Just keep pouring that coffee. Only 17 years to go.

7. 

   Injuries: You can be all up in your child's business 24 hours 7 days a week, you can be that mom at the playground who is climbing the structures with her 7 year old because she doesn't want him to fall, you can bubble wrap your coffee table/ couch/ kitchen, your child is still going to injure themselves. Kids whole goal in life is to see how many different ways they can trip over their own two feet and break their fall with their forehead. They especially love utilizing this skill right before family photos or big events where lots of concerned grandparents who “did it different in their day” will be involved.  I know. Because I am that mom who still climbed the play structures, my house is extremely well kept, and my two year old BROKE HIS FOOT on a freaking lego. The ONLY lego I might add, that was not picked up. He sports bandages on his head like a fashion statement, and I don't think we have a single picture since he became mobile that he doesn't have some kind of visible bruise.

8. You are not crazy, your children are conspiring against you. Your kids will fight with each other 11/12 hours that they are awake. But they will use that last hour to make you crazy. Don't let those sparkling eyes and button noses fool you, your toddler who refuses to share anything ever, will sneak his peanut butter crackers into his room in his diaper to give your eagerly awaiting infant a crash course introduction to peanut butter in the one moment you turn your back. You will know something is up and come running to their location only because you will hear the happiness in the room which will alert you something is wrong. (I feel it needs to be said that thankfully she is not allergic to peanuts, and my toddler has added a new food to his sisters options.)

9. 

   You can literally tell your toddler to take a bite 15 times for each single bite. I want to be exaggerating when I say that a single hotdog cut into 9 bites can take upwards of an hour and a half to eat. I do not care what fun trick you have up your sleeve about letting them play with veggies before serving it, and turning it into a airplane. If they don't want to eat it. There is no forcing it. Additionally their favorite food can quickly turn “yuky” if it happened to brush against another food, or if their hot dog has a weird wrinkle, or god forbid he found a speck of dust on it….. Can we just talk about for a second that I watched him pull an old goldfish out from under the couch and pop that shit in his mouth like candy but he refuses to eat his sandwich because a fruit fly happened to look at it as it flew by.

10. Getting ready to go out. Pre children getting ready to spend a night out on the town looked a little something like this. Wake up late, Get starbucks, go tanning, lounge around getting caught up on your favorite reality shows. Maybe take a nap, take a shower, spend several hours trying on different outfits and adjusting your hair and makeup, then go out, for as long as you want…. You have no rules, no babysitter waiting and who cares if you get wasted you can sleep in as long as you want tomorrow. …..Last friday I was supposed to go out for the first time in months… here is what my day looked like….wake up at 6, make little humans breakfast, try to guzzle down my life saving coffee, end up covered in most of their breakfast they didn't want to eat. Get caught up with my old friend elmo while I clean up the morning mess. Go to the park and chase humans that run in opposite directions. Scrub the bathrooms, and kitchen while they sleep. Run to the store for the groceries I've put off buying for as long as I could because the grocery store with two kids is right up there with pulling out my own nails. Steam clean my carpets because my beloved, smelly little bunny took a few days to adjust to her litter box. Attempt to put the minions down to bed. Wipe my face and armpits with a baby wipe, consider that a good enough shower… get half dressed because my infant starts screaming and I realize that going out will not be happening. Which is probably for the best anyway because once out i immediately begin questioning if what you are doing is worth feeling like absolute death at 6 am when i still have to wake up and be a mom the next day.

11. My last lesson is Coffee. Coffee is the holy grail of all things beautiful. God did not rest on sunday, he made coffee. It was an act of compassion to all moms everywhere. If you are a mom who doesn't drink coffee, I will never trust you. If you are about to die of dehydration (which is a very real possibility for most moms) and someone offers you water or coffee… take the coffee. You will need it. Don't think that just because you are dying your little humans are going to let you sit down. Oh no you will be pouring them juice in the wrong colored sippy cups, slicing their bread into triangles when they wanted squares and playing race cars the wrong way until your dying breath…. Take the coffee… coffee understands… coffee cares.