- Showers are sacred, and I don't mean that in a “haha yea moms don't shower” kind of way. I mean that in a “if you have the choice between dinner with Jesus and taking a shower, choose the shower.” Every time! You have no business around Jesus smelling like that anyway. I am serious the shower must be obtained at all costs. If your mom comes over and offers to watch your babies for a few mins while you take a shower, you take it! Even if you were just getting out of one when she arrived. You never know when your next shower could be. You need the extra scrub.
- You can actually take 45 minutes to eat half a banana. This lesson usually unfolds right around bedtime. I tell my son to go to bed. He raises with a “Im hungry.” I use my poker face and say “then you can have a banana but nothing else” thinking he will back down. (Just so all you moms know, they won't back down. Not if it means getting out of bed time. I get all the good veggies in this way.) This little man stands strong and takes that banana and LICKS IT for 45 minutes!!!! Let me repeat that HE LICKS A BANANA. Doesn't bite, doesn't chew…. Licks it…..I can't get mad because technically he is eating it, there goes any plans I had for my night… Well played little man.
- The need for your toddler to see his nipples can be so overpowering that he will not allow anyone else in the house to do anything with their lives until they have found him a mirror so he can thoroughly examine them. My tiny little man discovered these round beauties a few weeks ago and it is now a regular thing that in the middle of an ordinary activity everybody must stop as he pulls up his shirt, requests to be taken to a mirror and shows us all his nipples….. Life stays interesting that's for sure.
- Bunnies will lick you as a sign of affection….. Or a sign that you are covered in banana. This lesson came shortly after lesson 4. When our little bunny came up to me on the couch and kept licking and then nipping at my pants getting little chunks of leg flesh in the processes. It took me a few minutes to realize that I was covered in banana which is what was attracting these furry little bites of death.
The only thing better than a napkin made of gold, is mom's pants, shirt, arm, face, hair. These snotty little children will know that you have just received your once a week 3 minute shower that would make even a nascar pit crew proud. And come running over to you with a napkin in their hand, in order to rub their jelly frosted face back and forth against your legs then announce “alllllll clean”...don't worry you only have 4 more days until your next shower, and your bunny is more than willing to pick up the slack in the meantime.
- Sleep: My theory is that receiving sleep and receiving jewelry should be thought of in the same way. Let me explain. While it may be normal for some women to expect to receive some type of jewelry related present on a special occasion like their birthday or christmas. It is not a realistic expectation for any random day of the week. Therefor when you do receive sleep, you should be grateful. Never mind that the only kind of sleep your child can afford at this age in their life can closely resemble those stick on earrings you could buy from claire's. Just keep pouring that coffee. Only 17 years to go.
- Injuries: You can be all up in your child's business 24 hours 7 days a week, you can be that mom at the playground who is climbing the structures with her 7 year old because she doesn't want him to fall, you can bubble wrap your coffee table/ couch/ kitchen, your child is still going to injure themselves. Kids whole goal in life is to see how many different ways they can trip over their own two feet and break their fall with their forehead. They especially love utilizing this skill right before family photos or big events where lots of concerned grandparents who “did it different in their day” will be involved. I know. Because I am that mom who still climbed the play structures, my house is extremely well kept, and my two year old BROKE HIS FOOT on a freaking lego. The ONLY lego I might add, that was not picked up. He sports bandages on his head like a fashion statement, and I don't think we have a single picture since he became mobile that he doesn't have some kind of visible bruise.
- You are not crazy, your children are conspiring against you. Your kids will fight with each other 11/12 hours that they are awake. But they will use that last hour to make you crazy. Don't let those sparkling eyes and button noses fool you, your toddler who refuses to share anything ever, will sneak his peanut butter crackers into his room in his diaper to give your eagerly awaiting infant a crash course introduction to peanut butter in the one moment you turn your back. You will know something is up and come running to their location only because you will hear the happiness in the room which will alert you something is wrong. (I feel it needs to be said that thankfully she is not allergic to peanuts, and my toddler has added a new food to his sisters options.)
- You can literally tell your toddler to take a bite 15 times for each single bite. I want to be exaggerating when I say that a single hotdog cut into 9 bites can take upwards of an hour and a half to eat. I do not care what fun trick you have up your sleeve about letting them play with veggies before serving it, and turning it into a airplane. If they don't want to eat it. There is no forcing it. Additionally their favorite food can quickly turn “yuky” if it happened to brush against another food, or if their hot dog has a weird wrinkle, or god forbid he found a speck of dust on it….. Can we just talk about for a second that I watched him pull an old goldfish out from under the couch and pop that shit in his mouth like candy but he refuses to eat his sandwich because a fruit fly happened to look at it as it flew by.
- Getting ready to go out. Pre children getting ready to spend a night out on the town looked a little something like this. Wake up late, Get starbucks, go tanning, lounge around getting caught up on your favorite reality shows. Maybe take a nap, take a shower, spend several hours trying on different outfits and adjusting your hair and makeup, then go out, for as long as you want…. You have no rules, no babysitter waiting and who cares if you get wasted you can sleep in as long as you want tomorrow. …..Last friday I was supposed to go out for the first time in months… here is what my day looked like….wake up at 6, make little humans breakfast, try to guzzle down my life saving coffee, end up covered in most of their breakfast they didn't want to eat. Get caught up with my old friend elmo while I clean up the morning mess. Go to the park and chase humans that run in opposite directions. Scrub the bathrooms, and kitchen while they sleep. Run to the store for the groceries I've put off buying for as long as I could because the grocery store with two kids is right up there with pulling out my own nails. Steam clean my carpets because my beloved, smelly little bunny took a few days to adjust to her litter box. Attempt to put the minions down to bed. Wipe my face and armpits with a baby wipe, consider that a good enough shower… get half dressed because my infant starts screaming and I realize that going out will not be happening. Which is probably for the best anyway because once out i immediately begin questioning if what you are doing is worth feeling like absolute death at 6 am when i still have to wake up and be a mom the next day.
My last lesson is Coffee. Coffee is the holy grail of all things beautiful. God did not rest on sunday, he made coffee. It was an act of compassion to all moms everywhere. If you are a mom who doesn't drink coffee, I will never trust you. If you are about to die of dehydration (which is a very real possibility for most moms) and someone offers you water or coffee… take the coffee. You will need it. Don't think that just because you are dying your little humans are going to let you sit down. Oh no you will be pouring them juice in the wrong colored sippy cups, slicing their bread into triangles when they wanted squares and playing race cars the wrong way until your dying breath…. Take the coffee… coffee understands… coffee cares.
No comments:
Post a Comment