How to decorate a house from one toddler to another.

It is common knowledge that all toddlers are master decorators, as such it is a huge responsibility that us toddlers have taken on in which we are required to keep the house fully decorated at all times. Mom is a big help in this because she is very good about keeping the house stocked with the tools we need for successful decoration, and she is quick to wipe our canvas clean so that we may learn from our past decorating mistakes and go back to try again with a bigger and better outcome. Of course it is the dream of all toddlers to create such a masterpiece that no mom, chemical or bulldozer could undo the elaborate work we have created. Since there is only a small window of time for us to create our mona lisa of disasters before we lose our ability to create such art, it is vital that our work be fast and precise. With that being said I would like to help you fellow toddlers in your decorating missions by passing on some tips and tricks I have learned in my 2.5 years here on earth.

Always start with the play room. This is essential if you want to make sure that you have plenty of time for the rest of your endeavors. The trick is to play happily and contently while simultaneously dumping out every single box containing toys while your mom prepares your breakfast. It is important not to begin taking apart other important boxes yet because then mom will be onto your plan and shut it down before it begins. Around the time you have successfully completed the removal of all toys from their original place and scattered them about the room it will be breakfast time.

Breakfast time is the first real challenge of the day. You must find a way to get as much food on the floor, table and chairs as possible. If you are an older toddler this can be done by purposely taking too big of a bite so most of it falls off the spoon or smashes against your cheeks on its way to your mouth. Use your hand to wipe the excess food off your face then immediately rub your hands all over the chair and table. If you are younger simply hit the side of your food bowl in a fit of happiness so that it goes flying off your placemat and covers the surrounding area. For bonus points sneeze as soon as mom gives you a bite so your food also sprays all over her.

Now that you have created a nice distraction for mom so she won't be bored while you are busy with your work, move on to the kitchen. You must work fast as there are so many drawers and cupboards to get to. Start with the lowest drawers first, open them all and fling any and all items it may contain onto the floor. If you have a older sibling get them started on the harder to reach cupboards after they have opened all of the childproof cabinets that may have slowed you down. Note: it is important that you dump all foods such as cereal, oatmeal, and rice out of their original container then scatter them across the floor. If possible get some of it stuck to your hands and knees so that it drags through the carpet as you enter other rooms.

About this time your mom will have seen your masterpiece and want to challenge you. She will bring you to the living room and turn on your favorite show to see how well you can work with a distraction. Do not let the powers of Elmo confine you! You are stronger than that. Immediately go to her collectables display and tear everything out of it. Pay special attention to the little pieces, hide them places so your mom worries that you may have eaten them. It is ok to catch the letter of the day when it comes on but make sure to stay mostly focused on the task at hand. If your couch has removable cushions be sure to take all of them off. Scatter any toys that may be within your reach. Then finish the task by drooling all over the remote then removing and hiding its batteries so your family has no choice but to let you watch Elmo to your heart's content. You’ll have that alphabet down in no time.

Your mom may want to see how you fare in an unknown environment. She may take you to a park so you can “let your Creative energy out.” Do not be afraid to show off your skills on the way there. She will most likely pack you a snack to which you can demand as soon as you get in the car. Make sure to squish, slobber and crush these snacks before throwing them all over the back seat. Do not forget to seal the deal by unscrewing your sippy cup top to splatter your milk around so the car doesn't lose that creative edge. Don't be discouraged if your mom tests your abilities by giving you a very small amount of milk. Simply put some in your mouth so it first mixes with your saliva, then spit it out. You’ll find that you can make it stretch to much greater lengths this way.  

Once at the park find the biggest dirtiest puddle around and simply roll around in it. If you are lucky enough to track through dog-poo on your way even better. Make sure that your clothes are thoroughly soaked, then find a stick, rock or leaf and attempt to eat it right in front of her. She should give up on the park pretty quickly, strapping you back into your car seat which will now become saturated with your triumph. Make sure to kick the seat in front of you to cover as much surface as possible with your muddy poo covered shoes.  If you no longer wear diapers, feel free to wet your pants on the way home.

Once home she will most likely take you to the bathroom to attempt to clean you up before your nap. During the bath splash as much as possible to thoroughly soak the entire bathroom as well as your mom with your bathwater. If this is repeated well enough on a regular basis you may get lucky enough to have your bathwater seep through the floor and pour out from the ceiling below. At which point mom will pay someone a lot of money to come admire your ingenious work. Do not forget that mom is a canvas too, so be sure to saturate her clothing with your bathwater as well as wiggle all over her while she puts your lotion on so that excess lotion covers her clothes and hair. The more you fight and kick getting dressed and going to bed the better your mommy makeover will be.

You mom will attempt to undo your beautiful work while you are napping. She may or may not be successful depending on the length of your nap. So either take a very short nap to ensure she doesn't get far before you continue, or take a long enough nap that you are well rested and ready to double time through your mornings activities before your dad gets home.  It is important to cease all operations when your dad walks through the door. So make sure that you have covered all your bases before then. When he walks through the door play quietly with one or two toys in the center of your chaos, eat peacefully and respectfully, then kiss both of your parents on the cheek before happily walking up to your room to put yourself to sleep. This will ensure that your father asks your mother what she did all day, which will finish your final phase of the mommy makeover, thus completing your days mission.