The most terrifying day of my life.

My beautiful girl. Today was the most terrifying day of my life, all because of 15 seconds. You are a very independent little girl, and you and your brother play together so well that over the last few months we have slowly reached a point where the two of you can be left in a room together for a very minimal amount of time while I use the bathroom or brush my teeth. Noah is very obsessive about the rules and is very quick to alert me if you are doing something you shouldn't be which only increases my short term trust with the two of you. However today was different. Your dad, Noah, you and I were all down stairs in the front room. You were doing your own thing, Noah and your dad were coloring, and I was getting ready to get my hair cut. I ran upstairs and grabbed my dress which was on the counter at the top of the stairs, then quickly headed back down. There was no way that this took any more than 15 seconds. When I got to the bottom of the stairs I didn't see you in the front room with your brother. Our down stairs is an open concept front room, dining room, kitchen so it wasn't that big of a deal that you weren't right there. However something made me want to see you as quickly as possible so I speed-walked into the kitchen where we have all sharp things placed very high and all low cabinets childproofed. We are always very careful to shut the cabinets so that the locks stick and you never seem to have an interest in the ones you can't open anyway. Yet there you were, with the spout of a bottle of rubbing alcohol in your mouth, a circle of powdered comet containing bleach surrounding you as well as covering your arms, hands and lips, and multiple other chemical cleaners surrounding you. In less than a minute I had you naked and in the sink with poison control on the phone who instructed me to rinse your mouth, give you milk for the comet, and ice cream or something sugary for the rubbing alcohol as well as what symptoms to watch for over the next hour.

I did as I was told and held you tight for the hour and then some. Time seemed to stand still and about an eternity later it was safe for you to take your nap.You showed absolutely no symptoms, and it seams as though while you were covered in the chemicals you did not actually ingest any.  I sat by your crib while you slept and listened to you breathe. My mind played out horrible scenarios over and over of what could have happened had I been up stairs for just a second longer. Every one of your tiny little breaths sounded more precious than the last. Your beautiful little life was spared today and I can never thank God enough for stopping you when the comet hit your lips instead of eating it like you do with everything else. For not letting the rubbing alcohols spout release any into your mouth.

Two things happened today my love. One, I moved any and all chemicals including nail polish to the cabinet above the fridge, and two, I was given the gift of being able to see how precious life truly is, without enduring the hurt that normally teaches that lesson. My sweet baby when I lay you down to sleep tonight I will make sure not to rush out of the room when you ask me to rock you. I promise not to be so fixed on nap time even when I have homework. I promise to remember how blessed I am for your voice when you are crying at 2 am, and to cherish the 6am wakeups that always happen 4 hours later. My sweet baby, the fear I felt today was a gift, a reminder, a brief pause. It jolted my priorities and showed me just how precious life is. As well as how quickly it all can change. There was nothing different about today. Your father and I did nothing wrong. We have taken all of the precautions, Baby gates are always closed, the water temperature is fixed so it won't burn you, all outlets have plugs, all cabinets have locks... It is absolutely impossible to NEVER take your eyes off your child, and today happened to be the time that you took advantage of that. My eyes keep filling with tears thinking of what could have happened, and I know once I lay you down tonight I am going to find a quiet place to cry it out. But for now I am going to turn off my phone, ignore the clock saying it's bedtime, and snuggle you as close as I can. Because you are what matters. You and your brother are more important than the cleanliness of my house, any grade I may get on my schoolwork, and every time you wake up at night is a blessing, not a burden. No matter what it feels like in the moment.

I love you baby girl. I love you, I love you, I love you.