I am currently in a magical time in my parenting. A time where I get to say and hear sentences I never thought I would be saying. These Sentences are passed between both my toddler and myself as well as between my husband and myself. Any sound familiar?
At home
Toddler: I need my ice innnnn my bowl.
Me: Ok hold on let me use the bathroom.
Toddler: I Neeeeeeed my iceeeeeeeeee
Me: Ok fine Ill get your ice first.
Toddler: small ice. Smalll ice pieces pleaseeee
Me: *Grabs things required to crush an ice cube
*crushes ice
*still in the motion of doing stuff while toddler watches very carefully
Toddler: innnnn my bowl
Me:*puts it in his bowl and begins walking toward the bathroom
Toddler:AHHH MY ICE IS TOO COLD
Me: yes ice is cold
Toddler: fix it. Fixin myyy iceeeee pleaseeeee
So there I was for the next 30 minutes blowing on each individual piece of ice before my toddler popped it into his mouth, all while trying not to pee my pants.
At the store
Me at the grocery store: Ok let's go to the bathroom
Toddler: Mommy needa go poopoo?
Me: I need to use the potty yes
*goes to the checkout clerk to ask for key
Toddler: MOMMY NEEDA GO POO POO!!
Excuse me while I go die.
At the doctor
Me:* talking to the doctor not paying attention to my toddler sitting next to me quietly, all of this sudden he sticks his finger in my nose.
Ahh don't pick my nose!
Toddler: I put my booger innn mommy nose.
Me: what?
Toddler: *proudly shows me the booger he picked OUT OF HIS NOSE. then tried to PUT INTO MINE! (i feel like it is worse that this happened right in front of the doctor….)
Clearly my parenting is on point.
Potty training
As soon as that diaper comes off it is a whole other world. Here is a fun collection of self describing sentences I have had the privilege of saying over the past 10 months.
Me: Get your finger out of your butt! X10 a day
Me to husband: *totally serious face,
“and how was his poop?”
“did he poop today”
“did he poop a lot”
“When did he last poop”
“What color was it?”
I swear there may be a relation between potty training and loss of your sex drive.
Me to toddler
“Don't pee on the bunny”
“Don't pee on your toys”
“Don't pee your sister”......Yea bathtime doesn't always result in clean children
Making dinner
Me: no you can't eat the raw meat
Me: dont lick my leg
Me: dont lick my booty
Me: no you can't hold the knife
*places my 2 year old and my 6 month old in the front room which is less than 10 feet away from the kitchen while I go back and forth cooking.*
*am in the kitchen for less than 30 seconds, come back into the front room to see my toddler sitting on my baby's back while she lays on her tummy on the floor… I sprint to him and knock him off her as he raises his booty to bounce on her*
Me: Don't sit on baby!!
Toddler: *raising his hands in protest, with a look on his face like his explanation is going to clear this punishment right up* No no, I bouncy bouncy….
Yea we called a few nurses hotlines that night.
Taking out the trash
*toddler chasing behind me with his hands in front of him trying to touch my butt*
Toddler: booty booty booty booty
Me: dont touch my butt!
Toddler: *continues trying to touch my butt while singing his booty song as neighbors pass….*
Again… my parenting...its perfection
On injuries
My toddler is big into rules. If he is given a rule that he deems suitable he follows it like the holy grail. A big one to him is making the punishment fit the crime, no matter who did it.
If he is naughty he gets quiet time. (I know I'm ruining his self esteem or some other crunchy shit... when your toddler is “bouncy bouncy”ing on your baby, he needs a timeout) anyway. Since he always gets quiet time for being bad, everyone else must too.
Toddler: *steps on a toy.* Owwwww, mommmm, toy hurt my foot!
Me: Im sorry baby, you ok?
Toddler: Tell her mom, tell toy quiet time!
Me: oh, honey I think it was an accident the toy is sorry…
Toddler: no, not accident.. Tell her that toy quiet time…..
So I put that naughty race car in quiet time, all the while re evaluating every life choice I ever made.
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